


Silver lining

by SilentRain91



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anya is a bit scary, Clexa is all soft and gentle, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Lexa flinches easily, Past Abuse, Raven and Anya meet as well, Slow Burn, Trust Issues, emotional fic, they go on a coffee date sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-14 01:29:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7146614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentRain91/pseuds/SilentRain91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke lost it all. Lexa lost it all long ago.<br/>Two girls, broken by life, meet. Can they help each other heal?</p><p>Anya is Lexa's legal guardian, while Raven is Clarke's guardian. They both carry a dark secret. </p><p>Hurt/Comfort AU.</p><p>(Epilogue is added)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tears roll down Clarke’s cheeks. Her white knuckles are squeezed around the handful of white roses. She crouches down. With her free hand she lightly touches the tombstone that’s in front of her.

“Hi, dad.” Clarke whispers softly. “I can’t believe it has been a year.” She places one of the white roses on top of his grave. After taking a deep breath, she looks at the tombstone next to his. “Hi, mom.” Her hands are shaking.

A year ago both her parents died in car accident. There was a drunk driver who was speeding through a red light. The impact hit her parents hard. Their car flipped over and caught fire. She heard people had tried to run up to their car to try and get them out, but it was too late. Her parents were going to pick her up at an art gallery where an old friend of her parents had allowed her to display a painting. She hasn’t created any art since. Each time she even thinks about touching a pencil or a paintbrush, she is reminded of what happened.

Her attention is pulled away for a moment when a girl passes by her and walks up to the sandy area. This graveyard has one area where they burry poor people. The poor don’t get much of a grave. They don’t get tombstones. All they get is a cheap cross made with sticks. She watches as the girl falls down on her knees in front of a cross. The girl looks broken, yet regal with the way she seems to carry herself. As if life tried to keep knocking the girl down and she kept getting up, but she may be reading too much into it.

Slowly, Clarke stands up and walks over to the girl. She holds one white rose out, offering it to the girl for the grave that’s in front of her, hoping to convey the words that don’t leave her lips. Ever since she lost her parents, she doesn’t talk much. When unnecessary, she mostly avoids talking altogether. Words often seem futile and they tend to taste bitter in her mouth.

The girl looks up at Clarke. Her eyes are filled with pain but she’s not crying. She stares at the white rose in Clarke’s hand and tilts her head slightly.

“Everyone deserves…” Clarke tries her best not to sound broken as she answers the silent question that the girl is asking her. “...At least one flower.” She doesn’t mean to overstep, she only wants to offer a flower for that grave. Even though she has no idea who is buried there, whoever it is means something to the girl.

The girl takes the white rose from Clarke. “My…mother.” She looks at the cross in the sand.

Clarke kneels down next to the girl. She points behind her at the tombstones. “My parents.”

“Orphan?” The girl asks.

Clarke nods sadly. “One year.”

“Ten years.”

Clarke holds her hand out. “Clarke.”

The girl takes her hand tentatively. “Lexa.” They shake hands for a quick second.

Clarke can feel that Lexa’s hand is a bit clammy, but she decides not to comment on it. Their handshake felt slightly forced. Perhaps she shouldn’t have held her hand out. It’s a reflex for her, to greet people politely.

Together they sit in silence.

It’s a warm day, but Clarke feels cold. Everything has been feeling cold lately. Losing both her parents has been hard. She was sixteen when she lost them, and she is seventeen now. Raven has taken her in as some sort of legal guardian. Raven is her best friend, who is nineteen. It was to keep her away from foster homes. Raven grew up in foster homes and she wanted to spare Clarke from ending up in that system.

Clarke finally decides to break the silence because it’s so loud that it’s deafening. “Do you live in a foster home?” She feels slightly curious about the mysterious girl. Small talk feels like a foreign concept, one she hasn’t tapped into for quite a while.

“I used to.” Lexa replies. There is a small pause where neither of them speaks. “My older foster sister became my legal guardian when she aged out of the system. Her name is Anya.” She turns her face to look at Clarke. “Do you live in a foster home?”

Clarke shakes her head. “My best friend is my legal guardian. Her name is Raven.” She wonders what it must have been like for Lexa to grow up in foster homes.

Lexa remembers she hasn’t thanked Clarke yet. “Thank you for the flower.” It’s rude that she didn’t thank the blonde right away, like she should have done. People don’t usually give her things, unless they want something from her. “How can I repay you?” She needs to know what Clarke wants. The flower means that she is indebted to the blonde, and she can’t be indebted to anyone.

“You don’t have to give me anything.” Clarke doesn’t want take anything for it. She has enough roses to spare a few.

Lexa’s eyes widen. Her chest tightens. “Please…” She can’t let it be like this. When she’s indebted to someone, it is as if they possess her and she can’t be anyone’s possession.

Clarke takes a deep breath. “Maybe we could just… sit here for a while? I don’t want to be alone.” She’s usually always alone here.

Lexa nods. If sitting here makes her even with Clarke then that’s okay. “I come here every weekend.” Her mother died ten years ago because she was murdered, there was a robbery at a store and her mother was shot. She has never known her father. Violence terrifies her.

Clarke moves herself a bit when she feels like her feet are getting numb. She notices that Lexa flinches away when she unintentionally moves closer. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” She didn’t mean to scare Lexa. Her only intention was to switch to a comfortable position.

Lexa takes a few deep breaths to calm herself. She has had a rough time in the foster homes she has been at. It made her jumpy, to say the least. When someone unexpectedly moves too close, she still flinches, expecting to get beaten. “It’s nothing.” Her foster homes increased how terrified she is about violence. Usually when someone makes a sudden move, they hit her. Flinching is an automatic reflex.

Clarke can’t believe her ears. That definitely wasn’t nothing. “I’m not going to hurt you.” She moves to stand up.

“Where are you going?”

“I just…I don’t want to upset you.” Clarke doesn’t want Lexa to think that she would hurt her. She’s not a violent person. “I can give you some space.” She will walk back to her parents’ tombstone.

Lexa’s green eyes look up to meet Clarke’s blue eyes. “I…” Her voice sounds broken and is barely above a whisper. “I don’t want to be alone either.” She hates admitting that, it makes her feel weaker. Growing up, she has been conditioned to believe that she has to be strong and that showing any feelings at all is a sign of weakness.

Clarke carefully sits down again, making sure to leave enough space in between them, but not too much either. She wants Lexa to know that she’s not alone. “You come here every weekend?”

Lexa nods and stares at the cross. It’s her routine. Even if she’s sick, she still visits her mother’s grave. Her mother was gentle and sweet. She remembers her mother singing lullabies to her and telling her stories. Her mother had a big heart, filled with affection. She was just a six year little girl when her mother died. Her mother was far too good, far too pure. When she ended up in foster homes, there wasn’t a trace of affection. In her last foster home there was Anya, who vowed she would get her out once she aged out of the system, and she did.

Anya aged out of the system five years ago, when she was eleven. She was living with the Wallace family at the time. They were brutal. When Anya got her out and became her legal guardian, she was covered with bruises and had a few fractured bones. Before she got out, Anya always tried to protect her. She lived there for two years. Before that she lived three years with Nia, which had been much worse. She kept ‘falling down the stairs’ and ‘bumping into things’ and she was always ‘a clumsy child’ who ‘played with the kitchen knives’. Nia’s excuses were endless. She kept slipping through the maze of the foster system.

Sometimes Lexa tried to fight back, but that always cost her dearly. When Nia took in an even younger foster child and threatened to hit him if she would fight back, she gave up. She couldn’t let an innocent little boy get punished. The Wallace family wasn’t much better when they pulled a similar trick each time they tried to teach Anya a lesson. Anya always fought back, fiercely so, even when she was all battered and bruised. The Wallace family threatened multiple times to break her arm if Anya wouldn’t calm down. She was Anya’s only soft spot.

Clarke shivers as the weather is growing colder. A shirt feels like a really bad idea now. She hadn’t put much thought into her clothes. It’s a basic black shirt and a simple pair of jeans.

Lexa stares at Clarke and sees how the girl is shivering. She grasps the hem of her sweater and lifts it up, over her head. She’s wearing something underneath it and she’s used to the cold anyway.

Clarke furrows her eyebrows as Lexa holds her sweater out to her. “You will be cold.” She can’t take the girls’ sweater and leave Lexa to be cold.

Lexa shakes her head and stretches her arm further.

A small gasp escapes Clarke as she sees the scars that litter Lexa’s arm. She accepts the sweater from the brunette. Her fingers graze lightly against Lexa’s.

Lexa flinches away at the touch. She pulls her knees up under her chin and wraps her arms tightly around her legs.

Clarke bites her bottom lip. She feels like she keeps upsetting Lexa and like she hurts her somehow. The brunette’s sweater feels nice and warm. She holds another white rose out, as some sort of compensation. Lexa doesn’t seem to take it. Slowly, she puts the rose down on the sand, near the cross.

Lexa watches Clarke’s hand cautiously, following the blonde’s movements precisely. “My mother used to have flowers in her garden.” She remembers how there was a small garden where she used to live with her mother. Her mother was always nurturing some flowers, ever the gentle woman she was. “I was six.”

“So you’re… sixteen?” Clarke guesses.

“Yes, I’m sixteen.” Lexa keeps her eyes fixated on the sand. “How old are you?” She doesn’t look at Clarke, unable to meet her eyes right now.

“I’m seventeen.”

After sitting together for a while in silence, Clarke hands Lexa her sweater back. They part ways without another word.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The weeks that follow, Clarke and Lexa fall into a silent routine together.

Each weekend, Clarke goes to the graveyard and finds Lexa, knelt down on the sand. She hands the brunette a white rose and they sit in silence together.

While they sit in silence together, they listen to their surroundings. The way the winds blows softly and quietly, as leaves twirl around over the sand.

As weekends pass, the weather is growing colder. Rain begins to fall.

Clarke arrives at the graveyard with an umbrella. She can see that Lexa is soaked and doesn’t have an umbrella. When she sits down, she holds her umbrella up, a silent invitation. The brunette doesn’t move and she makes no move to scoot closer towards Lexa. She places a white rose down and they sit in silence again as rain pours from the sky.

Lexa doesn’t shiver and she doesn’t say a word. She accepts the rose and keeps Clarke company, silently wondering if the blonde is actually the one who is keeping her company. Maybe it’s both.

They haven’t spoken more than a few small greetings ever since that first day they both were on the graveyard. Neither one of them seems to feel the need to.

The next weekend it is pouring again. Clarke arrives at the graveyard with two umbrellas. One is opened, and the other is tucked under her arm. She sits down at a small distance from Lexa.

Lexa watches as Clarke opens a second umbrella and holds it out to her. “What do you want for this?” It is the most she has said to the blonde since the first day they met.

Clarke stretches her arm out far enough so Lexa can take the umbrella. “Your company.” This time she hasn’t brought any flowers.

Lexa nods and accepts the umbrella from Clarke.

They sit in silence. The rain makes the sand muddy.

Lexa inhales deeply. The sound of the rain calms her. It feels like the sky is crying for her, so she doesn’t have to. Each drop of rain is a tear she never dared to shed. Sometimes when nobody can see, she stands in the rain and cries. It’s her secret, her way of nobody knowing that sometimes she does cry.

Clarke listens to the gentle pitter patter of the rain on her umbrella. The wind picks up a bit, sending a shiver down her spine. Raven hasn’t questioned why she has spent every weekend at the graveyard for the last few months, while in the past she only came here once every month. Her best friend always gives her space. Raven didn’t say a word when she saw her taking two umbrellas with her.

Hours pass without a word.

When the rain stops, Lexa closes the umbrella and holds it out to Clarke to give it back.

Clarke’s fingers lightly touch Lexa’s. She pulls away fast, not wanting to upset the brunette.

Lexa hasn’t pulled her hand back yet. She stares at her fingertips where Clarke’s fingers touched her mere seconds ago. “Soft.”

Clarke closes her own umbrella. “What?” She studies Lexa who is staring at her hands like they are magical.

“Your skin.” Lexa clarifies. She curls her fingers up to the palm of her hands and slides them into her pockets. “You’re soft.”

“Oh.” Clarke isn’t so sure what she should say.

“I have to go.” Lexa moves her hands back out of her pockets. She pushes the palm of her hands down onto the sand to push herself up.

Clarke feels a small lump in her throat. “I will…” She searches for her words. “Next weekend.”

Lexa exhales slowly. “May we meet again.” She turns on her heel on walks away.

Clarke jumps up on her feet. “W-wait…” She runs up to Lexa and stops a few steps away from the brunette. When Lexa turns around, she continues. “A phone.”

Lexa looks confused.

Clarke is losing the small bit of confidence that she might have had. “I have a phone number.”

“Oh.” Realization sinks in for Lexa.

“C-can…can I get you coffee next weekend?” Clarke just wants to be able to sit in silence with someone who understands, somehow.

Lexa nods and takes a bracelet off of her wrist. It’s one she made herself, a braided one. She holds it out to Clarke.

Clarke understands. Lexa never accepts anything without giving something in return. She holds her wrist out to the brunette.

Lexa’s slender fingers tie the braided bracelet around Clarke’s wrist.

Clarke looks at the bracelet as Lexa leaves the graveyard, with the silent promise that they will meet again next weekend.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a moment with Raven. 
> 
> Lexa has a moment with Anya.

Clarke is sitting on the couch, next to Raven. She keeps looking at the braided bracelet. It’s special because Lexa gave it to her. She finds herself looking forward to see Lexa in a few days to grab some coffee together. It’s not a date, it’s just coffee. It’s confusing that she’s looking forward to something. Ever since she lost her parents, her world became dull and she didn’t look forward to anything anymore. If someone would ask her what she would do the very next day, she would simply shrug, not knowing. It would seem like a basic question for most people, but not for her. 

Raven has been getting more and more curious about Clarke’s changed behavior. This morning she almost saw the ghost of a smile on her friend’s face. Clarke has been going to the graveyard weekly now for the last few months. At first that truly concerned her. She thought her friend was slipping into darkness further than she already had. Her concern dissipated when Clarke began to take more flowers with her and then last time, when her friend left with two umbrellas and came back with that braided bracelet around her wrist.

Clarke moves the braided bracelet around, admiring the various colors that are woven into it. The green in it reminds her of Lexa’s eyes. She has seen Lexa's eyes a few times, only briefly. Lexa has intense eyes, but there's also sadness in them and pain. She can see it because each time she looks in the mirror she sees a similar look in her own eyes. 

Raven decides to say something to break the silence. “That’s a pretty bracelet you have there.” She knows Clarke barely talks ever since her friend lost her parents, but maybe Clarke will talk a bit this time. 

“I got it from…” Clarke pauses. From who exactly? What is Lexa? She would say friend, but that hasn’t quite been established. She sighs deeply. “A girl from the graveyard. Her name is Lexa.” So far that is who Lexa is, a girl who she sort of met at the graveyard. Maybe someday they can be friends, but she's not sure if she's still capable of making friends. The world she lives in has been colder since she lost her parents. Keeping contacts is strained. 

“It was nice of her to give that to you.”

Raven won’t make jokes about it or ask if Clarke is into Lexa. Things have been different. It’s been a tough year for Clarke. Not that it has been an easy one for her, since she signed up to be her friend’s legal guardian. Up until she was eighteen, she grew up in foster homes. They weren’t always great. She only got out of them for a few weeks when Clarke lost both her parents. It was hard, being eighteen and just being on her own feet, then taking her sixteen year old friend in. Now she’s nineteen and Clarke is seventeen. Despite it being difficult, there was no way she was going to leave her friend with strangers.

It’s not a burden to have Clarke around. What pains her is how much her friend has changed. Clarke used to be full of smiles and light, always laughing and so happy. When Abby and Jake died, she couldn’t see the spark in her friend’s eyes anymore. It hurts that Clarke stopped drawing. She wishes she could do more for her friend to pull her through this, but one can’t put a time on grief. Everyone goes at their own pace. She can’t say okay it’s enough now, move on. Clarke needs time. She hates to see how her friend continues to dwell on it, surely Abby and Jake would want Clarke to be happy, but that's easy to say. Her friend needs time to heal. 

Clarke can tell that Raven is being different with her. In the past, before she lost her parents, if she would mention a guy or a girl, her friend would tease her about it. Raven always used to smirk and ask her if she’d date them or whatever. She can sense that her friend is trying to walk on eggshells around her. Not that she blames Raven for doing so, it's understandable. There's no way to know how she would react if her friend would tease her. She's not interested to be with anyone anyway. Being attached to people leads to pain. When you love someone, they die and it hurts. She loved her parents and they died. 

“I will see Lexa again this weekend.” Clarke whispers softly, as if she’s sharing a deeply guarded secret. Maybe somehow it is. “I asked her if we could drink coffee together.”

Raven sends a smile in Clarke’s direction. Not that she expects a smile back. “Coffee sounds good. What kind of person is Lexa like?” She carefully selects the words she says, not wanting her friend to shrink back all of the sudden. 

“Um…” Clarke isn’t so sure what to say. “Lexa is silent and I think she’s gentle.” From the times she has seen Lexa, the younger girl appeared gentle. “She’s sixteen.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m nervous about the coffee.”

“Would you like me to come with?” Raven caresses Clarke’s cheek and looks at her. “I could go to the same coffee shop and sit a few tables away.”

Raven doesn’t need to sit at the same table. It can be enough for her friend that she would simply be there. She remembers the first few times Clarke went to the graveyard, she used to tag along and stand a few footsteps away, just to let her friend know that she was nearby until Clarke felt ready to go alone. It sounds like a big step for her friend to go and have coffee with someone. She’s proud that Clarke is taking that step.

Clarke swallows thickly. She knows she’s the one who asked Lexa to drink coffee together. “Yes.” She nods slowly. “I would like that.” It will help to know that Raven will be close.

“Okay, then I’ll be there.” Raven gently lifts Clarke’s chin up. “Take deep breaths.” She keeps her voice calm to help her friend relax.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa is holding a few strings of wool. She’s sitting on the couch and she’s making a braided bracelet. It’s something she does often to pass the time.

“Hey, Lex.” Anya’s voice is soft. “Can I sit next to you?”

It’s her habit to ask and announce everything first. She knows that if she moves to sit next to Lexa without a warning, her younger sister would flinch or jump up. When she turned eighteen and aged out of the foster system, she made sure to become Lexa’s legal guardian. It was difficult because at first the agency was not cooperating at all. She didn’t give up because she had promised her younger sister she’d get her out. They may not be related by blood, but they are sisters. When she makes Lexa a promise, she keeps it. Her younger sister can trust her. 

In her eyes Lexa will always be her younger sister. Lexa was eleven at the time. When she became her younger sister’s legal guardian, Lexa looked completely disheveled. It pained her to see her younger sister so hurt. Lexa has been through a lot. For the last five years she’s been raising her younger sister. When she was eighteen, it was hard to live on her own, taking care of an eleven year old. Not that Lexa was completely helpless. It’s been rough. Her younger sister has been homeschooled since regular schools weren’t working out for Lexa. Other children at school would laugh at her younger sister and bully her for being so jumpy and flinching so easily.

In the five years that have passed, Lexa made a lot of progress. Her younger sister used to get one panic attack after another when Lexa was younger. Those days are over, but her younger sister is still not quite there. It takes time.

Lexa pauses for a moment to look up at Anya. “Yes, you can sit.” She appreciates it how her older sister always warns her and asks things. As much as she tries not to be jumpy, it still happens, even around Anya. Her older sister is the only person she trusts, but flinching is an automatic reflex.

“Making another bracelet?” Anya looks at the wool on the table. “I can get you more, if you want.” She knows it helps Lexa to pass up time.

“I gave one of my bracelets to Clarke.”

Anya never hears Lexa talking about anyone. “Who is Clarke?” She tries not to stand too curious, not wanting her younger sister to crawl back into her shell so soon.

“A girl from the graveyard. She has been giving me white roses for my mother’s grave.” Lexa puts the pieces of wool down. “She asked to drink coffee this weekend.”

“It’s kind that she’s been giving you flowers.” Anya is relieved that someone has been showing kindness to Lexa, but that doesn’t mean that she’s not wary. She’s protective over her younger sister. “Did you say yes?”

“I nodded and I gave her one of my bracelets to make up for it.” Lexa shifts a bit on the couch to face Anya. She reaches out for one of her older sister’s hands. “Clarke is seventeen. She keeps me company on the graveyard. She has been for a while.”

Anya softly squeezes Lexa’s hand. “Are you nervous to go?” She can feel it in the way her younger sister is holding her hand and by the look in Lexa’s eyes.

Lexa nods and looks down at their hands.

Anya pulls her hand back and holds her arms open.

Lexa moves until she’s in Anya’s arms. She lets herself sink in her older sister’s embrace. Nobody else has been this close to her for the last five years. Ever since she was six and lost her mother, Anya has been the only one who has been hugging her. She was nine when she met her older sister, when she ended up with the Wallace family. Back then Anya was sixteen. She remembers how intense her older sister was, all growls and sharp edges, but to her Anya was soft and sweet.

Since her first day with the Wallace family, she found comfort within her older sister. Anya really tried so hard to keep her safe, but it wasn’t always possible. The Wallace family always found ways to hurt them both. She doesn’t believe in love. The closest she knows to affection is the warmth Anya offers her. Being held by her older sister helps sometimes.

Anya can feel Lexa’s nails digging in her back. She rubs small soothing circles on her younger sister’s back. “You’re safe, I got you.” She strokes Lexa’s hair. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.” She’ll always protect her younger sister as much as she can. "It's okay." Lexa's nails stop digging into her skin. 

“Can you come with me this weekend?” Lexa hates how broken her voice sounds.

Lexa doesn’t want to go alone. Clarke seems harmless, but she’s very nervous about this. Going to drink coffee somewhere in public is a big step for her. The only place she ever goes to when she goes outside is the graveyard. She doesn’t want to admit that she’s scared to go alone. There will be strangers there, people who could laugh at her and make her flinch. She doesn’t like how Clarke has already seen her flinch. It’s only a matter of time before Clarke will realize that she’s not worth her time. It’s too complicated to make friends. People never stay. The only person she can count on is Anya.

“Sure, Lex.” Anya doesn’t mind. She knows this must be stressful for Lexa. It’s a big step. “I can sit nearby and if it’s too much for you, we can go home together.” She will keep a close eye on her younger sister. Nobody better mess with Lexa or she’ll get really angry. “Is that okay for you?”

Lexa is relieved. “Yes, that’s okay.” It helps to know that Anya will be nearby in case she needs to escape. She hates that it makes her so nervous. It’s just coffee. She pulls away from her hug with her older sister.

Anya picks up some wool from the table. “Which colors are you going to use for your next bracelet?”

Lexa looks at the colors they have. “I was thinking…” She bites her bottom lip and hesitates. “I think I want blue.” She picks up the light blue wool.

Anya knows Lexa always picks at least two colors. “Which color are you going to combine it with?”

Lexa doesn’t hesitate this time. “Green.” That will be her next bracelet, blue and green.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The coffee (not really a date) will be coming up next.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go to the coffee shop. 
> 
> I know it took a week to post this update, but I hope it's worth it.

Raven selects a table at the coffee shop. She agreed with Clarke she’d come here a bit early, so it wouldn’t feel as if she’s following the blonde when she walks in here with Lexa. It’s a decent plan. She orders a cup of coffee. This should be interesting, sitting here, drinking some coffee. She wonders when Clarke will walk in and how long this will take.

Anya hurries to walk into the coffee shop. Lexa is at the graveyard by now to meet up with Clarke. She promised her sister she’ll be here to keep an eye on everything and in case Lexa wants to leave. As soon as she orders a cup of coffee, she notices a girl sitting by her own. This coffee shop looks so damn crowded. It’s possible her sister will be stressed out.

Raven looks up when she sees an attractive young woman approaching her table.

Anya points at the empty seat in front of the girl. “Would you mind if I sit here?” If she sits with this girl, it’ll look less suspicious and more regular. Nobody else is sitting here alone.

Raven shakes her head. “By all means.” She smiles at the woman. “I’m Raven, what’s your name?” If the woman is going to sit here, they might as well talk. This is actually a good cover to act casual.

“I’m Anya.” Anya sits down in front of Raven with her coffee. “Do you always sit here alone?”

“Nah, I’m here for a friend who is going to, well it’s not date, I guess.” Raven shrugs a bit. “My friend is going to hang out with a girl and I just need to be nearby.”

Anya cocks her head. “Hmm, I see.” She wonders if she’s right about a small theory she has. “Does your friend happen to be Clarke?”

“How did you know that?”

“It was a guess. I’m Lexa’s sister.”

“Ah, gotcha.” Raven winks at Anya. “Is your sister as attractive as you are?”

“Is your friend as blunt as you are?”

Raven grins and blows into her steamy coffee. Maybe being here won’t be boring at all. “You must be older than Lexa, I’m guessing.” That or Anya looks way older than she is, knowing that Lexa is sixteen.

“I’m twenty-three.” Anya wraps her fingers around her cup of coffee. The typical small talk. She might be here a while. “How old are you?” Not that she truly cares to know anything about Raven, but she may as well have a conversation to pass up the time.

“Nineteen, but I’ve got my own place and everything.”

Anya wonders if Raven is trying to sound impressive. She stares at the door, waiting for Lexa to walk in.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa fidgets with the hem or her shirt. “Hi.” She mumbles as Clarke approaches her.

Clarke stops a few steps away from Lexa, not wanting to spook the brunette away. “Hey.” She’s nervous, but something tells her that Lexa is even more nervous. “Coffee?”

Lexa nods. It helps to know that Anya will be there.

Clarke turns on her heel. “Follow me?” She doesn’t want to sound as if she’s ordering Lexa what to do, so it all sounds more like a suggestion that the brunette can either accept or ignore.

Lexa feels like a puppy while she follows Clarke. She walks a bit faster to walk next to the blonde, while making sure their arms don’t brush.

Their walk to the coffee shop is silent. Neither one of them is saying a word.

When they arrive, Lexa hurries to open the door for Clarke, to be polite. “After you, Clarke.”

Clarke blushes and ducks her head in embarrassment. People don’t usually hold doors open for her. “Thanks.” She walks inside and sighs in relief to see Raven sitting at a table. What she also sees is the stranger who’s talking to Raven.

Lexa observes Clarke and the redness on the blonde’s cheeks. It’s not that warm today. Not that it is particularly cold. She steadies her breathing as she walks inside, while spotting Anya at a table with a girl she doesn’t know. Her chest tightens upon seeing so many people in this coffee shop. When her sister winks at her while Clarke isn’t looking, she manages to breathe a bit better. She will be safe, it will be safe.

Clarke points at an empty table in the corner of the coffee shop. “This okay?” She’ll have to utilize more words eventually.

Lexa nods and sits down.

Clarke takes place in front of Lexa. Her leg accidentally touches the brunette’s leg, who looks alarmed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” She chews on her bottom lip.

Lexa folds her hands together in her lap. The touch was unexpected, unannounced. It startled her, that’s all. She feels bad because she made Clarke feel bad. “It’s okay.”

Clarke wonders if Lexa will always brush things off like it’s nothing. “The menu card is on your side of the table, I’m going to reach for it, okay?” She doesn’t want the brunette to jump up again when her hand slides across the table.

Lexa nods and watches Clarke’s hand as the blonde reaches out for the menu card. From the corner of her eye she can see Anya’s glare. Her sister already looks like she’s about to break Clarke in two. It must have been visible when she got startled. It’s very difficult for her to hide it when that happens.

Clarke places the menu card halfway on their table so they can both look at it. “If you choose, I will get up and order it.” There’s bile in her throat. She feels like she’s been talking too much. While Lexa is looking at the menu card, she traces her finger over the braided bracelet the brunette gave her last time they met.

Lexa stops looking at the menu card when she sees that Clarke is still wearing the bracelet. The blonde even seems to admire it.

Clarke reaches into her back pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper. She opens it slowly. “I sketched this long ago…” She can’t bring herself to create any new drawings. This is one she made before she lost her parents. “It’s for you.” Lexa gave her a bracelet, so now she wants to give the brunette a drawing.

Lexa stares at the drawing. It’s a field with flowers, full of colors and life. “This is beautiful, Clarke.” Her eyes light up. “You draw? Are you an artist?”

Clarke shakes her head. “I used to draw and paint, but not anymore. Not since…” She swallows the rest and shuts down. It’s too painful to really talk about it.

Lexa frowns at the sudden change in Clarke’s expression. This must be a sensitive topic. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention to upset you.” She doesn’t want to hurt the blonde in any way.

Clarke manages to smile a bit. “We both say sorry a lot, don’t we?” Lexa has nothing to apologize for. The brunette asked a perfectly valid question which showed interest.

Lexa’s lips form a thin line. Clarke may be right. “I’ll have a cup of black coffee, please.” They’re here for coffee, so it is time they drink some coffee.

Clarke scrunches her nose up. Black coffee is gross. “Okay, I’ll be right back.” She stands up to go order their coffees.

While Clarke is gone, Lexa taps her nails on the table and bounces her foot up and down. It’s because she’s nervous. Being here is a very big step. The people who are looking at her are making her uncomfortable. She hums a song in her head and tries to block the world around her out. Coming here was a bad idea. There are too many people. It’s only a matter of time before someone will try to hurt her. She can’t take it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya watches Lexa like a hawk, despite trying not to be completely obvious about it. She can see that Clarke left her sister to order coffee. Meanwhile Lexa looks like she’s about to lose it.

Raven reaches her hand across the table. “Hey, relax.” She squeezes Anya’s hand. “Nobody is going to hurt her here.” She can see the concern that’s radiating off of the young woman.

Anya looks down at Raven’s hand that’s squeezing hers. Nobody ever touches her, aside from Lexa. People usually avoid her like the plague because she’s intimidating. “You can’t know that for sure.” She can see that her sister is getting more distressed by the second. Even if nobody directly or intentionally hurts Lexa, it can still hurt her sister to be here. Too many people, for starters and some are staring.

“You’re very protective of her. She’s lucky to have someone who cares so deeply about her. You two must share a long history together.”

Anya absentmindedly strokes her thumb over Raven’s hand. “Yeah, we met at the same foster family, it was a messed up place. I’ve been her legal guardian for five years now.” The words pour out of her easily.

“Ah, I see.” Raven finds it calming the way Anya is caressing her hand. It feels nice. “I grew up in foster homes. When Clarke lost both her parents a year ago when I was eighteen, I took her in as her legal guardian, couldn’t let her end up in that system.” She gets why the young woman decided to be Lexa’s legal guardian.

Anya didn’t expect Raven to have a backstory like that. Maybe she judged the girl too fast. “You know what it’s like then. Have you ever cared for anther foster child?” She only ever cared for Lexa, which began the day she met her sister, mostly because Lexa is different and her sister was always innocent.

“Yeah, once.” Raven pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. “Her name was Charlotte. They claimed it was an accident, but I knew better.” She still feels bitter about it. If only she would have protected Charlotte better.

“Did they get in trouble for it?” Anya knows the answer will most likely be disappointing, but she hopes that they got in trouble for it.

Raven shakes her head. “The system is a mess, they believed them over me. I was being called a liar, an ungrateful child and whatnot.” It was a whole shitstorm of words she received back then and nobody believed her. She was ‘the teenager who is acting like a spoiled brat who tries to make us look bad because she wants to be spoiled more’ and she was ‘the girl who is making lies up about Charlotte’s death to feel better about herself’. After that she never told anyone ever again, but now she told Anya. Not detailed, but still.

“Typical.” Anya scoffs. “That whole system is filled with holes.” She hates it. The bad ones always get away with everything while the children suffer. “I can see why you took your friend in, that’s noble of you.” It makes her see Raven in a different light.

“Clarke has suffered enough. She doesn’t need a crappy system to fuck things up more.”

Anya takes her phone out of her pocket. She slides it over the table. “How about you give me your number and if you ever want to talk, about whatever whenever, you can give me a call, okay?” She’s only used to being there for Lexa, but it wouldn’t harm anyone to be there for Raven as well. The girl across from her looks like the kind of person who carries her burdens on her own in silence.

Raven is surprised. Anya suddenly looks a lot softer. That intense gaze seems to be absent now. She takes the phone, types her number in it and sends herself a text so she can save Anya’s number. “I appreciate it, really.” Kindness like this is rare and she’s not going to pass up an offer from someone who actually understands what it’s like to go through hell.

Anya shakes it off. “You’re one of us.” She puts her phone back into her pocket.

Raven laughs. “You make it sound like I just joined a cult.”

“Don’t mock the pack.”

“The only pack I need is a six-pack.”

Anya rolls her eyes. “Why would you need that for? You look amazing.” Okay, she shouldn’t have said that aloud. “I mean, you look nice.”

Raven winks. “I’m the blunt one, right?”

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

“Whatever you say, beautiful.”

“You’re right, you are the blunt one.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke places two cups of coffee on the table. “Here is the black coffee.” She slides it halfway over the table and leaves it there. “I’m going to sit down now. I’ll try not to bump against your leg again.”

“Thank you for the coffee.” Lexa whispers. She’s also thankful for the warning, but she doesn’t say that. It’s considerate of Clarke to warn her. Maybe it’ll become a habit, if so, that would be truly helpful. She won’t ask the blonde to warn her at all times, but she hopes Clarke will do just that without her having to explicitly ask.

Clarke slowly sits down, not wanting to make a mistake again. So far she already made one and she really doesn’t want to make another. Lexa could be her friend and she really wants a friend, even if she is poor at communicating. “My coffee is with milk and some sugar, that’s how I drink mine.” She tries to talk without feeling nauseous about it. It was her idea to come here to drink coffee.

“I drink mine black because I didn’t usually have milk and sugar around.” Lexa doesn’t mind it. It’s the way she grew up and it doesn’t matter. Black coffee is fine. “What do I owe you for the coffee?”

Clarke shakes her head. “You gave me a bracelet last time.”

“You gave me a drawing.” Lexa feels like because of that, she owes Clarke once again.

“I have your company here.” Clarke doesn’t want anything more. “That is enough.” The coffee doesn’t cost much, and she doesn’t care about spending a little bit on coffee. It’s true when she says that Lexa’s company is enough. Not having to be alone is enough.

Lexa unties one of her bracelets. “It’s a new one I made. Blue and green.” She holds it closer for Clarke to see. “Do you like it?”

Clarke likes it when Lexa talks a bit more, like the brunette is doing right now. It makes everything flow easier, although she appreciates their silent moments a lot as well. “It’s pretty.” She takes a closer look, without shifting too close towards Lexa, keeping a respective distance. “The green in it looks like your eyes.”

Lexa drops her bracelet and leans back, away from Clarke. “You’ve been looking at my eyes?”  It’s not that she hasn’t noticed that the blonde has blue eyes, but this is unexpected.

Clarke wants to sink into the floor right now. This is the second mistake she made. How does she always keep making mistakes? Tears well up in her eyes because she’s overwhelmed, feeling helpless. She really tries not to make mistakes and yet she keeps making them.

Lexa tries not to panic. She made Clarke cry. How does she always upset the blonde? She didn’t mean to, she really didn’t mean to. Any apologies would sound empty right now.

Clarke stops breathing for a moment when thumbs wipe her tears away. She blinks her eyes open and is met by green.

Lexa hums softly. Her hands are shaking as she wipes Clarke’s tears away. “You’re safe.” She’s not used to try and comfort someone. This is something Anya has done for her many times. “It’s okay. You’re safe.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to put Anya and Raven a bit more into this story as well, to show their sides because life hasn't been kind for them either. I hope that's okay. 
> 
> I'm still invested in writing this story, but it just goes slower. It's a lot more emotional and harder to write.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very emotionally heavy, or at least I think so. 
> 
> Read with caution. 
> 
> There's also a dark part at the end about Anya.

Clarke swallows nervously. This is really happening. Lexa is trying to comfort her, the same girl who always flinches away when she accidentally touches her. She’s seeing a different side of the brunette now. Lexa’s hands are very soft and gentle. She can’t help but notice the way the brunette’s hands are shaking. It’s impossible for her to imagine how much Lexa must be struggling to comfort her like this.

“You’re safe.” Lexa keeps whispering the same words to Clarke over and over. She’s at a loss for what else to do. She doesn’t want the blonde to be upset. “It’s okay.”

Clarke takes a few deep breaths. She’s grateful for this tender touch of comfort. “I’m safe.” She hopes that perhaps those are the words Lexa is waiting to hear from her. “I’m okay.” When the brunette slowly moves her hands away, she misses the warmth Lexa’s hands had offered her. That small touch meant more than words.

Lexa places her hands down on the table in front of her, unsure of what to do now. At least Clarke stopped crying. Is it possible she did something right? Could it be? She should thank Anya for this. It’s thanks to her sister that she knows something like that can comfort someone, although it was a lucky guess if it would work on the blonde. The realization of the downside sinks in painfully fast.

“I apologize, Clarke.” Lexa scratches her nails over the table. No, she didn’t do something right. She made a mistake, again. “I shouldn’t have touched you without asking.” She had been so quick to wipe Clarke’s tears away that she didn’t even think once about what she was actually doing. If a stranger would do that to her she would panic.

Clarke is processing Lexa’s words. From her understanding, the brunette feels like she made a mistake for touching her without a warning. She can see why Lexa would see it like that, but in her case it isn’t like that. It doesn’t make her flinch when the brunette touches her, if anything, she would have even welcomed a hug. The truth is that they are a bit different.

“Your hands they felt…” Clarke wonders if her words would possibly upset Lexa. She’s worried that they might. “It was nice. Your hands were gentle, soft, tender and warm.” She cried because she made a mistake which had upset Lexa. It shouldn’t have been her who should have comforted the brunette, not the other way around.

Lexa stops scratching her nails on the table for a moment. She’s relieved that Clarke had a positive feeling about her actions. “Your cheeks felt mellow. You have rosy cheeks.”

Clarke places one of her hands on the middle of the table. Her hands are usually always soft from the hand cream she uses. She hopes her hands aren’t sweaty. “More coffee?” She could go for another cup before she leaves. Maybe Lexa will want more as well.

“That would be nice.” Lexa reaches out for her wallet. “Let me pay this round, please.” She can’t have Clarke paying for everything.

Clarke doesn’t protest and nods.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya wouldn’t believe what just happened if she wouldn’t have seen it with her own eyes. She’s astonished that Lexa was comforting Clarke.

“Wow, okay.” Raven whispers while she tries to stop looking at Clarke. “I’m confused about what happened.” She has no idea why her friend would have been crying. What she saw gives her a positive feeling about Lexa.

“I’m confused as well.” Anya would not have expected that at all. Lexa doesn’t touch anyone, ever. Even in her case she has to be careful about it with asking and warnings. Her sister touched Clarke on her own accord and that’s quite baffling. “My sister doesn’t touch people, ever.”

“We should probably stop staring before it becomes obvious.”

“That’s a good suggestion and you have a point.”

Raven stares at her empty cup. “I’m going to grab some more coffee, do you want anything?” Now that she’ll be getting up, she might as well bring something for Anya back too.

“Surprise me.” Anya drinks just about any type of coffee. It doesn’t really matter which one she gets.

Raven returns to the table with two cups a coffee and a muffin. She hands on cup of coffee to Anya. “I got you a muffin, muffin.” She winks and puts it down on the table.

Anya rolls her eyes. “I bet you worked really hard on that line, haven’t you?” She wonders if Raven will always be this way. Not that she plans to see the girl often or anything, but she assumes this won’t be the only time.

“It’s with chocolate.” Raven knows that line wasn’t much and hey sure, talk is cheap, but this is the way she tends to be around people. She has a slightly flirty nature, which helps her to get comfortable with people.

Anya cuts the muffin in half. “You can share this with me.” If Raven likes it, she can eat half. She’s not a greedy type.

“Hmm, okay.” Raven takes her half and devours it. Chocolate is one of her weaknesses. “This tastes so good.”

Anya chuckles as Raven stuffs it into her mouth while making certain sounds. “You’re a sloppy eater. You’ve got a little something over there.” She can see some chocolate on the corner of the girl’s mouth. That’s normal after the way Raven ate her half.

Raven grabs a napkin. “Which side?” She doesn’t want to be one of those people who dabs clumsily at the wrong side.

Anya leans over the table and wipes the corner of Raven’s mouth clean with her thumb. “Right there.” She brings her finger to her own mouth. “You’re right, this tastes good.” She winks as the girl’s jaw drops. “Surprised? I’m older than you, for starters and that was too easy.”

Raven regains her composure. “Color me intrigued.” Nobody ever beat her at her own court, but this isn’t over yet. “You should eat your half, like you said, it tastes good.”

Anya takes her time to slowly eat her half, savoring every bite as if it were the last.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke places Lexa’s cup in the middle of the table. “Black coffee, the way you like it.” She pulls her chair back. “I’m going to sit down now. I hope I don’t bump against your leg.” It’ll become a habit to warn the brunette about things like that.

Lexa gives Clarke a small appreciative smile. “Thank you, Clarke.” Her eyes follow the blonde cautiously while she sits down. Clarke doesn’t feel like a threat.

Clarke holds her cup with one hand and leaves her other hand, with her palm upwards, on the middle of their table. She doesn’t necessarily expect anything. It’s more of a silent offer, or a silent request perhaps.

Lexa reaches out for her cup. Her fingertips brush against Clarke’s hand, but the blonde doesn’t move. Very carefully and ever so slowly, she lets her hand ghost over Clarke’s hand. She looks at the blonde and is met with a warm smile. Warily, she lowers her hand until it fits over Clarke’s palm.

“Is this okay, Lexa?”  For Clarke this is comforting, but she’s concerned that it would be the opposite for Lexa. The brunette doesn’t have to do this if she’s not at ease to do so.

Lexa’s lip is trembling. She wishes this wouldn’t be so arduous. It’s only a small touch. She hates how every touch always feels as if it burns. This is all due to her past. Her foster parents never left her alone. Thinking about everything they did sickens her. Even though it didn’t last for more than five years, the damage can’t be undone. The scars that litter her arms are just the tip of the iceberg. That’s the thing with icebergs isn’t it? People see what’s on the surface, but they don’t see what’s underneath it, and what’s underneath it is always far worse.

Clarke can practically see Lexa zoning out. That and she asked the brunette if this is okay at least five times by now, but it seems as if Lexa didn’t even hear her. “You’re safe.”

Lexa slips back into reality. Safe. She’s safe. Clarke is right. She slowly moves her hand away so their hands aren’t touching anymore.

Clarke has no idea what Lexa has been thinking. “Do you want to tell me where you just went?” She’s curious, but at the same time she doesn’t want to pry. Finding a good balance can be difficult. The brunette is mysterious and difficult to read. Sometimes not asking means not knowing and sometimes asking still results in not knowing.

“My past, that’s where I went, I was there.” Lexa rakes her nails over her hand. “I’m there.”

“Lexa, hey. You’re safe.”

“Safe.”

Clarke doesn’t want Lexa to scratch herself like that. “Can I touch your hand?” The brunette helped her moments ago and she wants to help Lexa. Not to get even, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Lexa nods briefly.

Clarke gently pries Lexa’s nails away and holds her hand, softly stroking her thumb in small circles until the brunette relaxes. “You are here, you’re safe. You’re not in your past. Your past can’t harm you.”

“But it does, Clarke.” Lexa doesn’t expect Clarke to understand. People can’t understand. Her past does hurt, it does harm her. It always has and it still does. It haunts her at night and it’s etched into her skin. “I went there, I was there again.” It felt like it was all happening all over again, every word, every hit, every stab, and every burn, all of it. Like a tidal wave.

“You’re here with me, I have you.” Clarke tries not to feel sick for talking more than she’s used to. This moment feels like trying to solve a puzzle while barely having any pieces, and no matter how many times she re-puzzles it, it’ll never be complete. “You’re safe with me. Hear my voice, you’re safe. Feel my hand, you’re here. I got you. Smell our coffee, it’s fresh.”

Lexa squeezes Clarke’s hand. “You’re here. I can feel your hand. I hear your voice.” She’s not so sure what the blonde is doing, but it helps. The darkness creeps away, slowly and steady. “I smell our coffee, yours is sweeter than mine.” She cocks her head and stares at Clarke. “What did you do to me?” She holds her free hand to her chest. It doesn’t ache as must. The blonde helped her to scare her demons away.

Clarke tries to figure a way to speak without sounding broken. “My mother she…” The memories sadden her. “She was a good doctor, helped so many people.” She shouldn’t have died and her dad shouldn’t have either. Her parents always knew how to ease any pain she ever experienced. “Do you have a phone number?”

Lexa fishes her phone out of her pocket and holds it out to Clarke.

Clarke accepts it gingerly and types her phone number in it. “You can text me when you want or call, even if it is for silence.” Sometimes knowing that someone else is on the other end of the line is enough. Today she has talked a lot. It is becoming exhausting, albeit she could consider Lexa a friend now.

“Does this make us friends, Clarke?”

“If you’re okay with being friends, yes.”

Lexa is not used to have a friend. “Yes.” It’s new and scary, but maybe this is the good kind of scary. Clarke has been kind to her.

They both finish their coffee so they can leave.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya watches as Lexa walks out of the coffee shop, with Clarke a few steps behind her. The moment they’re outside, they go separate ways. “It looks like this hanging out thing is done.” She’s been here for a while. At first she really didn’t think she’d be here longer than half an hour or so, but it turns out she has been here for nearly three hours. What a day. “You’ve got my number, so if something is up, you know where to find me.”

Raven kind of wishes it wouldn’t be over yet. The time passed by way too fast. She can see it has been nearly three hours, but it felt more like ten minutes. “You’ve been good company.” She stands up, takes Anya’s hand and brings it up to her lips, brushing her lips over the young woman’s knuckles. “I hope to see you again sometime soon. Your appearance brightens my day.”

“That’s flattering, but I should get going now.” Anya can’t stick around longer. Lexa will be headed home and it’s better if she’ll be home as well. It’s not a good time to stick around now and she has been here long enough.

“If you ever want to text or call, you can always reach me.” Raven looks forward to hear and see more from Anya. She’ll be Clarke’s chaperon any day if the young woman is around. “I’m glad you chose to sit at my table, it would have been boring here otherwise.”

“For a girl so blunt you sure seem shy to ask me out.”

Raven smirks. She trials her fingertips up Anya’s bare arm. “I’ll see you around.” She whips her hair over her shoulder, turns on the ball of her foot and exits the coffee shop with the sway of her hips. If the young woman thinks it would be so easy, she’ll have to think again.

Anya is perplexed. That did not go as smooth as she hoped it would have gone. She thought Raven would have asked her out, the girl certainly flirted a fair amount and dropped plenty of hints. Well in that case Raven won’t know if she would have said yes or no. Maybe she should stop going after troublemakers. Old habits die hard.

Raven is just passing by the alley that’s near the coffee shop when someone grasps her wrist.

Anya gently tugs until they’re both in the alley.

Raven has a knowing grin on her face while she leans against the brick wall. It’s interesting that Anya followed her.

Anya leans closer towards Raven to whisper in her ear. “Don’t be such a tease.” She can’t deal well with people who tease her, in a sense that it makes her lose her composure. It can also be dangerous. Due to her past, she can be too rough with biting, for one. “I don’t want to hurt you.” After those words leave her lips, she becomes aware how creepy that must have sounded after getting the girl into this alley. “I can’t lose my self-control, not with you.” She usually ends up with the wrong type of people with whom it doesn’t matter if she bites a bit too hard or scratches her nails over their skin too rough. She’s not a gentle lover, but then again, she never loved anyone she was ever with and they weren’t gentle either.

Raven’s eyes widen. It’s tough not to be a tease when it’s a big part of who she is as a person. She tangles a hand in Anya’s shirt and presses a tender kiss to her cheek, letting it linger for a few seconds before pulling away. “You wouldn’t hurt me.” She drops her hands to her side.

Anya grits her teeth and places her hands on opposite sides of Raven, locking the girl in between her and the wall. “What makes you so sure I won’t?” This wouldn’t end well. Once she snaps, Raven would be a goner. The girl may be a tease, but Raven doesn’t deserve to be hurt. The girl isn’t one of the many who would hit her, who have hit her. Raven isn’t one of the many who yelled at her, saying she’s not a vampire or a wolf and that she has to ease it up with her biting and scratching.

Raven caresses Anya’s cheek with the back of her hand. “Because we are not so different and I’m a part of your pack.” She won’t be scared away. The young woman may look scary, but she’s not buying it. This is just one layer and she has seen enough already to know there are soft layers underneath. Right now Anya may be gritting her teeth, but she also knows this young woman is the one who said that if she ever wants to talk, about whatever whenever, she can give her a call. “You won’t hurt me. I don’t believe you would, not even for a split second.”

Anya feels something that hasn’t happened to her before. She feels intimidated. How dare this girl assume she wouldn’t hurt her? She is a monster. Friendship is something she could possibly offer, but if Raven would keep teasing her, the girl will end up hurt.

Raven wraps her arms around Anya, hugging her. “I should go home now. I’ll give you a call or something sometime soon.” She kisses the young woman’s cheek again and ducks her head to slip under Anya’s arm.

Anya leans against the brick wall and slides down slowly. She isn’t sitting there for long when a guy who spells trouble approaches her. Good, she has pent up frustrations anyway. She only has to watch not to bruise her knuckles so Lexa won’t ask any questions. Even though she’s a monster, her sister doesn’t know she is. Towards Lexa, she is comforting and caring. Her sister is the only person she loves, her only weakness. If anyone would touch her sister she would kill them without batting an eye. Lexa can never know this side of her.

When she became her sister’s legal guardian the Wallace family ‘disappeared’ in a lake. And Nia, that wonderful woman Lexa told her about, she ‘tripped’ down the stairs from an apartment building. It’s not that she kills people, of course not, but they had to be taken care of. They were harming innocent children. There is blood on her hands and she can’t undo what she has done, but she doesn’t regret it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the dark part about Anya doesn't spook people away from this story. 
> 
> As for Clexa, there's a lot of hurt/comfort. 
> 
> Clexa is still supposed to be the center in this story, but I may tip it 50/50 with Anya and Raven, or 60/40 perhaps.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya gets a call at night and meets Raven at the park. She tells Raven her dark secret to scare her away before she'd hurt her, but Raven is stubborn and has a secret of her own. 
> 
> Clarke and Lexa are slowly growing a bit closer, building a friendship. 
> 
> Raven is at a loss when due to circumstances, she can't live at her place for a while and neither can Clarke. Then what?

Lexa is sitting on the couch with the remote, zapping aimlessly while she waits for Anya to return. Her sister was in the coffee shop, but it’s likely that Anya was still emptying her cup. She has been home for almost an hour now. There’s nothing worth her while on the television. She turns around when she hears a door opening and closing.

Anya smiles weakly. “Hey, I’m sorry a bit late.” She didn’t mean to let Lexa wait for almost an hour.

Lexa jumps up onto her feet and runs over to Anya. She stretches her finger out to touch her sister’s lip. “What happened? Why is your lip busted?”

“Oh it was nothing.” Anya shrugs it off. That damn punk in that alley split her lip open. It’s like she draws in troublemakers like a magnet. “My coffee was way too hot and I was biting my lip too much.” She hates lying to Lexa, but her sister shouldn’t worry about her. She is Lexa’s caretaker not the other way around.

Lexa hesitates, unsure if Anya is telling her the truth. “I appreciate it that you were at the coffee shop.”

“Anytime, Lexa.” Anya holds her arms open and feels Lexa leaning into her touch. “How did it go?”

“Clarke is kind. We’re friends now.”

“That’s great.” Anya hopes Clarke won’t hurt Lexa. She wouldn’t take kindly to that. “I’ll make some dinner soon, anything you’d like?”

Lexa doesn’t have a preference. “Anything is okay. I can peel the potatoes?” She doesn’t want to leave all the work to Anya. The least she can do is help out. Her sister is already putting a roof above her head and making sure she has food.

Anya kisses the crown of Lexa’s head. “I can use a chef in my kitchen.” She smiles and walks over to the kitchen.

Lexa jumps up when she drops a potato. “I didn’t mean to.”

Anya casually drops a potato as well. “Our floor must be hungry.” She kneels down with Lexa to pick it up.

Lexa smiles at her sister. “We’re both clumsy, aren’t we?”

“Must run in the family.” Anya winks at Lexa.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Raven shakes her head at the way Clarke is dreamingly smiling. “How did it go, Clarke?” She’ll see soon enough if her friend is interested in a conversation or not. Clarke sure talked with Lexa quite a bit, from what she saw from her table at the coffee shop.

“Lexa and I are friends now.”

“Oh okay, that’s chill.” Raven is relieved that Clarke made a new friend. “I can order pizza for dinner, does that sound good?”

Clarke shrugs. Anything is fine. She’s not going to be picky about what they’ll eat for dinner. “I’ll be in my room.”

“Uh okay, I’ll bring some dinner to you in a bit.”

Clarke slowly walks up to her bedroom. It has been nice to hang out with Lexa. Who would have known she’d make a new friend? When her parents passed away, her contacts fell apart, aside from Raven. She looks at her phone. She gave Lexa her number so she’s hoping for a message.

Everything is silent for a while. Clarke doesn’t really respond when Raven walks in.

Raven places a plate on Clarke’s desk with a few slices of pizza, just in case her friend wants to eat.

Clarke is eating a slice of pizza when her phone beeps.

 

 **Unknown:** Thank you for today, Clarke.

 **Clarke:** I had a nice day, so thank you.

 **Lexa:** I had a nice day as well. Nobody has ever been my friend before.

 **Clarke:** I’ll be your friend for a really long time then, if that’s okay.

 **Lexa:** Yes, that’s okay.

 **Clarke:** I’m in my room, what are you doing?

 **Lexa:** Just ate some dinner and now I’m going to make a new bracelet.

 **Clarke:** Which colors are you using?

 **Lexa:** Light blue and dark blue.

 **Clarke:** You must like blue a lot.

 **Lexa:** It’s my favorite color. What’s your favorite?

 **Clarke:** Green. Would you like to have coffee again sometime?

 **Lexa:** Okay, next weekend?

 **Clarke:** Yes, sounds good.

 

Clarke finds it easier to talk through texting than to talk in person. It feels less personal which can be a downside, but on the plus side, she doesn’t have to get nauseous about talking too much. She wants to communicate more, but it can be difficult. Somewhere deep down she knows that life goes on. Without her parents it hasn’t been the same anymore. She misses them, deeply. It’s her fault that they’re gone. If they wouldn’t have been on their way to her, they would still be alive today. It’s almost as if she killed them. The guilt is awful.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s already night when Anya receives a phone call. Her voice is a bit groggy. She has only been outside for a little while. At night while Lexa sleeps, she often sneaks out for a few hours. Sometimes she ends up at bars where she drinks a bit, mostly drinks she receives from people who want stuff from her, easy preys. At other times she has small encounters in dark alleys.

Anya picks up. “Hello?”

_“Hey, it’s Raven.”_

Anya is surprised Raven called her. She didn’t think the girl would contact her so soon. Not that it’s a bad thing, she did tell Raven she could call or text whenever. It’s kind of nice to hear the girl’s voice again. She was just about to enter a bar or something to find a typical bad boy or whatever.

_“Anya, are you there?”_

“Yes, I’m here. What’s up?”

_“You told me I could call whenever for whatever and whatnot. Does that still count?”_

Anya can hear cars and other distinct noises through her phone. “Where are you, Raven?” She clenches her jaw. It’s the middle of the night and Raven obviously is somewhere outside. She doesn’t like this.

_“I’m near the park. Could you-”_

Anya cuts Raven off. “I’ll be there in five minutes, stay put.” She hangs up, pockets her phone and leaves.

Anya is muttering while she hurries. She passes a dark alley and some random guy approaches her. With a few swift moves, she knees him, elbows his back and kicks his shin. She doesn’t bother to give him a second glance while she keeps walking. Now is not the time. In a different situation she would have responded differently. There’s a thrill in biting people’s lip and neck, although to the point of bleeding isn’t usually appreciated by the receiver. What she also likes is to rake her nails over their skin. It is who she is.

She is rough, not gentle and she doesn’t do the whole love and relationship thing. Right now her mood is dark, aching for a release. She can’t always contain this side of her, hence she sneaks out at night without Lexa’s knowledge. Her plans seem to have changed now, but her mood hasn’t. If anything, her mood just got darker after Raven’s phone call. Contacting her at night during her darkest hours is dangerous and if she is correct, the girl will be alone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Raven is pacing around at the park. Anya will be here any minute now. She’s not sure what she was thinking. Sometimes during the day or at night, she goes outside to get some fresh air. While she went outside, she thought about the young woman and decided to call her. All she wants is some company. Clarke is her friend, of course she is, but it’s complicated.

With Clarke she can’t really talk, because for the past year, she’s always tried to be there for her friend, who keeps pushing her away most of the time. It’s not that she needs to have some to talk to, but just someone who could sit with her for a while or just hang out, all chill. Some sort of distraction, that’s what she needs. Clarke can’t be that and she doesn’t blame her friend for that.

Raven is slightly startled when Anya suddenly appears out of nowhere. “Fuck, you snuck up on me.” She didn’t even hear the young woman. Her heart is racing, but she calms down now that she knows it is Anya.

“You called, I’m here.” Anya stares at Raven and scans the girl from head to toe. She wants an explanation. “Did someone try something?” She peers around to see if there are any shady figures. It’s the middle of the night after all and Raven is attractive. If someone touched the girl she’ll slit their throats.

Raven shakes her head. “I just want some company, if that’s okay.”

Anya narrows her eyes. “You want my company? In the middle of the night?”

“Judging by your clothes, you weren’t in bed, unless you live close to the park and sleep in your clothes without having bedhair.” Raven takes Anya’s hand in hers. “There’s a good tree nearby, it’s just a few steps.” She tugs the young woman along with her.

Anya is confused. She thought something bad had happened. Raven shouldn’t want her company, especially not at night and most definitely not this night. She’s too dangerous tonight. The girl won’t be safe with her. It’s almost tempting, sweet innocent Raven, unaware of the darkness inside of her. Her fingers are aching the dig her nails into skin.

Raven stops walking when they reach a big tree. “This tree has some strong branches, we can easily climb it.” She has climbed it a few times before.

Anya pushes Raven against the tree. “You shouldn’t want to hang out with me tonight, I can easily hurt you.”

Raven replies by smirking at Anya. “I do want to hang out with you.” She’s not going to change her mind. “You won’t hurt me.”

“We’re at the park alone, in the middle of the night. I can hurt you.”

“Then go ahead, hurt me.”

Anya places her hands on Raven’s shoulders. “You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’m capable of.” This girl has no idea. It is tempting her even more.

“I agree that I still have much to learn about you, but you won’t hurt me.” Raven daringly takes a step closer, placing herself mere inches away from Anya. “You won’t hurt me, I don’t believe you.” She doesn’t say that to challenge the young woman to prove that she would hurt her. She says it because she can’t believe Anya would hurt her. “I called you and you came here for me, before I even got around asking.”

Anya hoists Raven up and presses the girl’s back against the tree. She bites rather roughly at the girl’s bottom lip. Raven can’t say she didn’t warn her.

Raven wraps her legs around Anya’s waist, only surprised for a short moment by the sudden action. She responds by biting back.

Anya growls and bites a bit harder. She soothes the bite with her tongue and tastes a drop of blood. Startled by the sudden change, she stops biting and pulls away slightly to look at Raven.

Raven is grinning. “Wow okay, I thought we could just hang out, but that was hot.”

Anya lowers Raven so the girl can stand again. How can Raven be grinning? She bit the girl too roughly.

Raven cups Anya’s cheeks and brings their lips together. She’s expecting to get bitten again and lip biting is something she does like, but this time she’s met with soft lips.

Anya places her hands on Raven hips and slides them under the girl’s shirt, up Raven’s back. She strokes the girl’s back gently. Her lips move tenderly against Raven’s. This is not how she kisses people. Screw her for having a conscious then. Her tongue traces the girl’s lips, seeking entrance.

Raven pulls Anya closer and parts her lips, allowing entrance. She knew the young woman couldn’t hurt her. She laces their fingers together in between their bodies. “I know you won’t hurt me.”

Anya nearly laughs at the irony. “I killed people.” That should be enough to scare Raven away. This girl is getting dangerously close.

“Did they deserve it?”

“They were bad foster parents who kept hurting children, so I’d say yes, they deserved it.” Anya waits for Raven to run, but all the girl does is shrug. “Why aren’t you running? I can hurt you.”

“You keep saying that, but I know you won’t.” Raven makes her way to climb up the tree. “We all have secrets, including dark ones.” She climbs onto the first thick branch she reaches.

Anya follows and sits down on the tree branch near Raven. “I told you my dark secret, what’s yours?” She’s slightly intrigued.

“When Charlotte died because of those foster parents, I set their house on fire while they were sleeping and I stood outside, watching it burn down to the ground.”

Anya shuffles closer and lets Raven lean on her shoulder. She strokes the girl’s hair. “Some secrets are better kept in the dark. You know mine, I know yours. That’s enough.”

“I never told anyone before. I’m taking it you haven’t either.” Raven sighs deeply. “I won’t break when you bite my lip.” She doesn’t mind. “It’s relaxing to be here at night.”

Anya winds one arm around Raven’s middle, holding her close. She shouldn’t be this soft.

Raven nuzzles herself closer against Anya. “You build up a scary demeanor around you, but I see beyond that. There’s something about you that interests me. You’re different, special.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Raven.”

“And you won’t.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Clarke enters the coffee shop, Lexa is already there. She can see that Raven has arrived as well, sitting at a table talking to a girl. It might be the same girl from last time, but she didn’t really pay close attention to be certain. It feels comforting to know that Raven is nearby. She wasn’t sure if she’d already be here, since she left before Raven did, to stop by on the graveyard first.

Lexa is sipping some coffee. The moment Clarke walks in she notices her. She had been waiting. “Hi, I ordered you coffee with milk and sugar.” Just the way the blonde likes it, from what Clarke told her.

“Hi, that’s sweet of you.” Clarke smiles a bit. “I’m going to sit now.”

Lexa nods. She doesn’t flinch when Clarke’s leg bumps briefly against her own. It was expected. When the blonde sighs and frowns, she feels the urge to reassure Clarke that it’s okay. Not sure what to say, she bumps her leg against the blonde’s.

Clarke cocks her head. “Did you just kick me back?”

“That wasn’t a kick, Clarke. I can demonstrate one if you’d like.” Lexa’s cheeks turn scarlet. “I didn’t mean that, I…” This is embarrassing. She doesn’t know where that came from. It was meant in a teasing way, but she doesn’t tease. What if the blonde thinks she wanted to hurt her?

Clarke laughs. She didn’t expect Lexa to be so…she’s not sure what exactly, but it’s nice. “Usually when people want to play footsie under the table, I take them on a date first.” She’s amused by the way the brunette’s cheeks turn an impossible shade of red. This feels like a breath of fresh air. She hasn’t been this casual since she lost her parents. This side of her was supposedly gone, but Lexa seems to bring something out in her.

Lexa is trying desperately to hide her face in her hands. She wasn’t flirting, she wasn’t. Is it possible Clarke was flirting? Or well, the blonde was definitely teasing her. This never happened to her before. She has never really been relaxed with anyone. “I wasn’t playing footsie, I just you… your leg… and then my leg and…”

“I was only teasing you, Lexa.” Clarke takes a sharp inhale of breath. She probably crossed a line. “The bump against my leg was definitely called for.”

Lexa takes one of her bracelets off and holds it out for Clarke. “Peace offering?” She is worried that if she opens up more to the blonde, she might cling to her like she clings to Anya. Then if Clarke would leave, it would be really painful. Only once did she make that mistake with someone. Never again.

Clarke smiles and accepts the bracelet. It’s good to have Lexa as her friend. When she’s spending time with the brunette, something rare happens. It’s as if just for a while all the noise drowns out, along with the memories and nothing hurts for a while. Breathing comes easier and everything feels lighter.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya can see that something is wrong by the way Raven is frowning and the burned smell in the girl’s clothes. After five minutes of silence, she decides to ask.

“What’s wrong, Raven?”

Raven looks up and sighs deeply. “My neighbor’s house was on fire and my place began to catch fire as well. That’s why I smell this way.” She assumes it’s obvious. It’s not her fault, she didn’t do it. “There’s a lot of smoke damage at my place and it’s all fucked. Clarke doesn’t know yet, she left before it happened.” She came to the coffee shop anyway, because her friend had asked her to and she wouldn’t ditch Clarke. “I’ve made some phone calls and people are going to fix everything up, but they said they need a month. I have no idea where I’ll go with Clarke for a month.” She doesn’t really know anyone well enough and hotels are too pricy, especially since the costs she’ll already have.

Anya did not expect to hear that. Not that she was thinking Raven would have set a house on fire or anything, but perhaps something small in a garden or something. “I’ve got a couch that can be folded out to be a bed.” She drinks from her coffee and stares at the girl.

“Okay, back up for a moment.” Raven reaches out for Anya’s hand across the table to get her attention. “Are you offering that Clarke and I would stay at your place?”

“You’ve got nowhere else to go.” Anya is not going to make a big deal out of it. “You’ll crash at my place for a month, but I do have some rules.”

“Well, you’re right that I’ve got nowhere else to go with Clarke.” Raven isn’t so sure how to feel about this. How is Clarke going to feel about this? She doesn’t really know Anya that well and her friend doesn’t even know Anya at all. Then again, Clarke knows Lexa. Her options are limited now, so she can’t be picky. “Okay, what are your rules?”

Anya puts her coffee down and sits up. Her gaze is intense again. “Every rule counts for you and for Clarke.” Her tone is strong and serious. “Rule number one, don’t go in Lexa’s room. The second I find you or Clarke there, I’ll kick you both out. Rule number two, don’t touch Lexa, not even a handshake and when you’re getting close for whatever the hell it is, such as sitting down nearby her, tell her first. Rule number three, don’t upset Lexa. If you or Clarke hurt her, you’re both dead.”

Raven blinks nervously. Great, Clarke is going to be thrilled to stay at Anya’s place for a month with rules like that. It’s better if she doesn’t tell her friend that last bit, since she thinks Anya might mean that quite literally. She has no doubt that Anya would kill someone to protect Lexa.

“I agree to your rules, but I do have a question.”

“Ask.”

“If Clarke and Lexa would hold hands, since, let’s be fair, we already saw them seeking comfort from each other last time we were here, you’re not going to kick us out or something for that, right?”

Anya wonders what she’d do in that case. If Lexa is okay with it, then it wouldn’t be bad, perhaps. “When you’re at my place, you’ll live by my rules.” She hopes her sister won’t be upset because she’s letting Clarke and Raven stay over. “My sister comes first. I’ll do anything to protect her. Don’t even test me.”

Raven grins. Anya and intimidation go hand in hand, but she doesn’t scare that easy at all. “Good, then I’ll tell the news to Clarke soon.” It can’t be that bad and it’s not like they can go anywhere else. "There's one tiny detail though."

"And what would that be?"

"Clarke and Lexa don't know that we know each other. Or well, sort of know each other. So uh yeah, this is going to be awkward to explain. Plus, we've only known each other for a week now."

Anya can see that Raven is sweating a bit. "Are you nervous, Raven? Does it worry you to be at my place for a month?" She can't help her drive to make people fear her.

"You make it sound like I'll be entering a lion's den."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could possibly go wrong when they're all at Anya's place with certain rules? :)   
> Who shall break a rule first? Someone will. 
> 
> Anya may seem scary, I'm writing her a bit dark. The thing is, sometimes people bark more than they bite.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya explains the rules to Clarke. She helps Clarke and Raven to get settled a bit. 
> 
> Awkward doesn't begin to describe it. 
> 
> I finished this chapter early, so I decided to post it. :)

Lexa’s eyes snap up when her sister approaches her table with a girl she doesn’t know. She’s confused as to why they’re both walking up to the table. Trying to read Anya’s expressions isn’t conveying anything.

Clarke turns around to see who Lexa is looking at so intently. She sees Raven and a stranger. Oh, that’s the stranger her friend was sharing a table with. Why are they both approaching? Why does Raven smell like she was close to a fire?

“Raven?”

Lexa is confused. “Is that your guardian, Clarke?” She knows Clarke told her that her guardian is Raven. Why is the blonde’s guardian standing next to her sister?

Clarke nods. “Yeah, that’s her.”

“Anya, what’s going on?”

Clarke frowns. “That’s your sister?” Now she’s really confused. “What’s going on?”

Anya shifts her eyes between Clarke and Lexa. Their confusion is understandable. “Raven and I are going to sit down now to talk about a situation.” With that, she takes the chair next to her sister.

Raven sits down next to Clarke. “Okay so uh, there was a fire. Clarke, there is a lot of smoke damage, but everything is going to be fixed. The problem is that we can’t live at my place for a month now, it’s not healthy.”

Clarke gasps. That’s shocking news.

Anya looks at Clarke. “I offered Raven that she and you can crash on the couch at my place for that month.” She turns her face to look at Lexa. “I know that sounds like a lot, but they don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Clarke and Lexa are both silent as they are perplexed.

“We met here a week ago.” Raven explains. She knows that will reveal to Clarke that Lexa also had someone chaperoning her, as well as it will reveal the same to Lexa. “It’ll only be for a month.”

Clarke tries to steady herself. “We will live with Lexa and Anya for… a month?” She didn’t see this one coming at all. She doesn’t even know Anya and quite frankly, Lexa’s older sister looks intimidating. As for Lexa, well she has seen her for months, but they only began to really meet up since a week ago. This is going to be weird.

Lexa stares at her sister to see if Anya is kidding. She doesn’t even know Raven. What was her sister thinking? It’s sad that Clarke and Raven have nowhere else to go. If the blonde is at her place for a month, she’ll probably upset Clarke a lot. This can’t go right.

Anya hands Lexa a bill. “Get us some coffee, okay?” Her voice is soft and gentle.

Lexa nods and gets up to get the coffee like Anya is asking her to.

When Lexa is gone, Anya stares at Clarke. “I have a few rules you will respect during that month.” The blonde needs to be aware of the rules. “Rule number one, don’t go in Lexa’s room. That’s off limits. Not that it would be okay to go in mine either.”

Clarke nods slowly. She can understand that. It’s a reasonable rule. Anya looks scary.

“Rule number two, don’t touch Lexa, at all. When you’re close to her for something like sitting down, warn her first.”

Clarke can understand that, with how easily Lexa flinches. Anya doesn’t even need to tell her that. She knows and she’ll respect that.

Anya can see Raven giving her a sharp look as she gets to rule three. Right the rule with the threat at the end. “Rule number three, don’t upset Lexa. Don’t hurt her. If you hurt her then…” She’d be dead then. “I’ll get angry.” And it wouldn’t be pretty.

Clarke swallows nervously. She never wants to upset Lexa, but somehow she easily does that. This is bad, Lexa will be upset and then Anya will get angry at her. It’s going to be a mess.

Raven softly strokes Clarke’s back. “It’s going to be okay, Clarke. It’s only for a month and it’ll work out.” If Anya upsets Clarke she’ll smack her across the face, scary attitude or not. It is fine for the young woman to protect Lexa, but Anya has to understand that she will protect Clarke. She still believes the young woman won’t hurt her, but she can’t say the same for her friend.

Lexa places the cups of coffee onto the table and hands the change to Anya. She wonders what it will be like to live with Clarke and Raven for a month. That’s quite a long time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya opens the big closet that’s in her living room. “You can put your clothes in here.” It should be enough it’s only for a month. Her place isn’t all that big, so it’ll be a bit cramp for a month.

“Thanks, that’ll do.” Raven replies with a smile. She puts her small suitcase down. She didn’t really pack much. The smell of smoke was everywhere.

Clarke nods and smiles a little in appreciation.

Anya folds her couch open so it’s a bed. It’ll be a bit small for both Clarke and Raven. For one person it would have been spacious enough. “I’ll get some blankets and pillows. The first door on the right is the bathroom. Behind the second one you can do some laundry, if you want.”

“Your hospitality is appreciated.” Raven is grateful that Anya is letting them stay over, for a month, no less. She did agree with the young woman that she’ll pitch in with some expenses, because she insisted to do that. There’s no way she can let Anya pay for everything.

Lexa is standing helplessly next to the couch, watching as Anya is helping Clarke and Raven to get installed. This is strange. Her sister never invites strangers inside and she never saw Anya bringing anyone home, ever. It’s unfortunate that Clarke can’t live at Raven’s place for a month. Having the blonde around makes her nervous.

Anya rambles off a few basic rules such as no loud music and to not slam the doors. She knows that Clarke and Raven are aware of the most important rules, which all involve Lexa. Her sister doesn’t need to know about those.

“Come with me, Clarke.” Lexa is speaking softly. “I have a spare blanket in my room.”

Clarke looks briefly at Anya, who just nods. She can feel Anya’s eyes on her as she follows Lexa.

Lexa opens the door of her room and walks inside, grabbing a blanket from her bed. “It’s a soft blanket.” She holds it out to Clarke who is standing at the entrance of her bedroom.

Clarke accepts the blanket and looks around out of curiosity. “My drawing, it’s on your wall.” It gives her a warm feeling that Lexa liked it enough to hang it up.

Lexa blushes. “It’s pretty and colorful.” She hung it up so she can easily look at it when she’s in her bed. “You’re my friend and you gave it to me.”

Raven finds a notebook in the closet, placed between stacks of magazines. At the moment she’s standing here alone. Clarke is talking to Lexa, near Lexa’s bedroom. Meanwhile Anya is in her room, she guesses, to get a few things. Out of curiosity, she takes the notebook and flips through the pages. She stops at a page where she sees what looks like a poem.

 

_From the ashes I shall rise_

_Amongst a sea of silent cries_

_Above the thunder you’ll hear me roar_

_I’m dark all the way down to my core_

_Fear is not a part of my game_

_I’m a wolf that you cannot tame_

_The shadows run away from me_

_My darkness will make you flee_

_I walk around in my armor of chains_

_Blood is slowly escaping from my veins_

_Don’t fool yourself and think I feel_

_This isn’t a nightmare, this is real_

_I’m a monster, hiding in the night_

_Afraid to live, afraid of the light_

_Forget who I am, forget where I went_

_Soon enough this will all come to an end_

 

Raven jumps up when a hand snatches the notebook away from her. She looks up, directly into Anya’s intense eyes. “You wrote a poem?” That poem makes her understand the young woman much more.

Anya is angry. She places the notebook under her arm. “It’s not your business. Don’t touch my things.” She backs Raven up against the closet. “If you touch my things again…”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t touch your things.” Raven’s curiosity got the best of her. “Have you written poetry before?”

“The couch is ready. I think you’ll have enough pillows.”

Raven leans in, but Anya stops her.

Anya shakes her head. “Not here.” She doesn’t want Raven to kiss her while Lexa can walk back any second. Plus, she’s not one to be soft. That time at the park she was being soft. That shouldn’t happen again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dinner takes place mostly in silence. It’s an awkward moment with the four of them around the table. Neither one of them is used to talk during dinner, thus they are being silent.

Lexa gets up once her plate is empty. “I’ll wash the dishes.”

“I could dry them.” Raven offers. She might as well help with a few things.

Lexa breathes nervously. “Okay.” She lets water fill up the sink for the dishes.

“Maybe I could put everything away.” Clarke offers. She wants to help as well and she doesn’t really feel like being alone with Anya.

Anya knits her eyebrows. “You don’t even know where everything goes, Clarke.” This is unbelievable. She wonders if Clarke really only wants to help or if there’s a hidden motive. “You can help Raven to dry the dishes, I’ll put them away.” She tosses a towel at the blonde.

Lexa washes their plates and the cutlery. She rinses everything one by one, careful not to drop anything.

After their awkward dinner and doing the dishes together, Raven asks if they could watch a movie. She’s not sure if Lexa and Anya watch movies, but it could be cozy.

Anya folds the couch closed again so they can sit.

Lexa sits down in one of the corners.

Clarke bites her bottom lip. “Can I sit next to you, Lexa?” She’s not sure if Lexa will let her. Personally it would be nice, but the brunette may not like it at all.

Lexa nods and watches as Clarke sits down next to her. Their arms brush lightly.

Anya sits down in the other corner of the couch and keeps a close eye on Lexa.

Raven plops down in the free spot between Anya and Clarke. “So ladies, movie?” She’s used to being at her place, alone on the couch or alone in her bedroom, since Clarke usually always closes herself off and sits in her bedroom. This is a golden opportunity for her not to sit alone.

Anya holds the remote out to Lexa. “Do you want to pick something?”

Lexa nervously takes the remote. She’s not sure which movie to choose. What if she selects something that Clarke and Raven don’t like? She knows Anya is fine with anything, but that doesn’t mean it would be fine for everyone.

Clarke feels how Lexa slips the remote in her hand. Right, a movie. Hmm, she has no idea.

After silence for a while, Raven ends up selecting a movie. She smirks while Anya glares at her as ‘I can’t think straight’ begins to play. “Got to love Netflix.” She places her feet on the table in front of her, only to have them pushed off by Anya.

“No feet on my table.”

Lexa opens a blanket and shares it with all of them. She smiles shyly in the dark as Clarke is holding her hand. The blonde’s hand is soft and warm. This feels good. Having a friend like Clarke is nice.

Raven places her hand on Anya’s thigh. They’re under a blanket anyway. Lexa and Clarke won’t be able to see it.

Anya caresses Raven’s arm while they watch the movie. Well this is refreshing. She wonders if it’s going to be like this for the rest of the month Raven will be here. From the corner of her eyes, she watches Clarke. It’s surprising that Lexa seems remotely okay with Clarke sitting directly next to her. Maybe her sister is slowly making progress.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke tosses and turns, trying to sleep to no avail.

Raven is grumbling and muttering because Clarke keeps moving around. When her friend finally stops stirring, she gets up. She tiptoes down the hall. Anya’s door croaks a little bit while she opens it. When she walks inside and closes the door behind her, she is met by darkness. Before she can take another step, she is being pushed against the door with a hand on her throat.

Anya bares her teeth. “What are you doing in my room, Raven?” Nobody enters her room. “I specifically told you and Clarke it’s not okay to enter my room.” She can’t believe this. On the first night Raven is already trying to break a rule. It’s as if the girl is asking her to hurt her.

Raven slips her hands under Anya’s shirt and softly rakes her nails over the young woman’s back.

Anya removes her hand from Raven’s throat. She hasn’t been squeezing. “You shouldn’t be here.” She sighs and picks the girl up, carrying her to her bed. “I need you to be gone in the morning.”

Raven smiles when Anya places her down. “The couch is a bit small and it wasn’t easy to sleep when Clarke kept tossing and turning.”

“You entered my room to sleep?”

“Mhm, something like that.” Raven fists her hand in Anya’s shirt and pulls the young woman down on top of her, crashing their lips together.

Anya pulls away. “I don’t do relationships.” She doesn’t want Raven to get any hopes up for something that won’t happen.

“Good, neither do I. So we’re on the same page.”

Anya kisses Raven’s earlobe. “Are you sure about that?” She never double checks with people, but this girl isn’t her prey. Raven is just a girl, a friend perhaps.

Raven smirks. She’s used to flirt with people without having any strings attached. Relationships aren’t her cup of tea either, those turn into disappointments anyway. “Yeah, I’m sure. We’re just friends or whatever.” She doesn’t need the whole sentimental relationship stuff. “Are you going to kiss me or should I go?”

Anya lies down next to Raven and pulls the girl closer to her with one arm. “Stay.” Raven entered her room, so she might as well stay. She needs to get the girl out of her room in the morning, before Clarke and Lexa wake up. Tonight she decides not to go outside, but tomorrow she will to get her release.

Raven turns a bit to face Anya. She props herself up on her elbow.

Anya grasps the hem of Raven’s shirt and slowly lifts it up, tossing it onto the floor. She kisses Raven’s collarbone and sucks lightly. Her teeth graze the girl’s skin.

Raven tries to roll Anya over to get on top of her, but she’s met with resistance.

Anya becomes predatory and moves her hands all over Raven’s body. She bites the girl’s bottom lip, eliciting a soft moan, muffled by her lips. Her eyes darken as she bites Raven’s neck.

Raven places her hands on Anya’s hips, rolling the young woman over with a bit more force. This time Anya seems to let her. As their legs are entwined and lips are pressed together, a sensuous shiver trickles down her spine, igniting tingling nerve pulses in its wake.

Anya moans and enjoys the softness of Raven’s skin. Nobody has been this tender with her before. Once again she has to tell herself that she’s not a gentle lover. She’s being soft because…Raven will be living here for a month. Yes, that’s a good reason. The truth on the other hand…It is what it is.

Raven maps Anya’s body with her lips, etching tenderness and passion in every inch of the young woman’s skin. “You’re really beautiful.”

“You only say that because we’re in the dark.” Anya hates that she’s slightly conscious of her body, hence she tends to sneak out at night to find a prey, although they usually find her, making it easier.

“Let me see you in the light then. You don’t have to be afraid.” Raven recalls the words in Anya’s poem. She wonders if the young woman is truly someone who cannot be tamed. From the poem it’s clear that Anya feels a lot of pain that she’s hiding desperately.

“I’m not afraid.” Anya knows that’s not fully true, but it doesn’t matter.

“Okay then.” Raven searches for the light switch. “Then you won’t mind it if I see you in the light.”

Anya sighs and closes her eyes. Soon the negative reaction will follow. When she opens her eyes again, Raven is staring at her. “Can you switch my light back off now?”

“You’re beautiful, Anya.” Raven smiles and leans down, kissing Anya’s chest, including her scars. “So beautiful.” The young woman shouldn’t hide herself in the dark.

Anya switches the light off and holds Raven in her arms.

Raven smirks. “So you’re the type who likes to cuddle.” This is cozy, she could get used to this, for the time being. She knows this is temporary. Just another warm body that eventually will be gone.

“No.” Anya holds Raven a bit tighter. “I don’t cuddle.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa tiptoes quietly towards the kitchen for a glass of water. She drinks it slowly. Before returning to her bedroom, she glances over at the couch. To her confusion, she only sees Clarke and not Raven. That’s strange. Maybe Raven is in the bathroom or something. Clarke looks so peaceful.

Lexa doesn’t know how long she has been standing there when she sees that Clarke is stirring and mumbling.

“Mom, dad, wait.” Clarke stirs more. “Don’t go.”

Lexa freezes. Clarke must be having a nightmare. She understands. she gets nightmares as well. Softly, she sits down near her friend. After taking a few deep breaths, she gently nudges Clarke’s shoulder. When the blonde is still mumbling distressed, she leans down to whisper. “You’re safe. Clarke, you’re safe.” Her hand is shaking a little when she caresses Clarke’s cheek.

Clarke slowly blinks her eyes open. Tears escape from her eyes. She lurches forward and clutches onto- wait, that’s Lexa, not Raven. Oh god. Panic flashes through her eyes as she realizes what she has done. She touched Lexa, without a warning, without anything.

Lexa stiffens completely. Clarke is hugging her. She breathes faster.

Clarke cries more. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She lets go of Lexa. “I’m sorry, I… I didn’t mean to.” This is her first night here and she already made a grave mistake. “I’m sorry.” She just wanted to hug to seek comfort. It’s dark and it all happened fast.

Lexa snaps out of her shock and instinctively wipes Clarke’s tears away. “Shh, dry your eyes.” She doesn’t like it when the blonde cries. “Did you…” She tries not to sweat. “Did you want… need a hug?” She knows that when she needs comfort, Anya hugs her.

Clarke wants to stop crying. “Yes, a hug feels good, but…” She doesn’t want Lexa to feel obligated or uncomfortable or both. “You don’t have-” She stops talking abruptly when the brunette’s arms wrap around her like a comfort blanket.

Lexa strokes Clarke’s hair and holds her close. She still feels nervous, but the blonde needs this right now. If this can stop Clarke from crying, then it’s worth it.

Clarke holds on tight, afraid that if she loosens her grip, Lexa will vanish. She doesn’t want to lose anyone else. It’s not good when she gets clingy. There is a reason why she usually keeps a distance, even from Raven. People leave her. When she loves someone, they walk away or die.

“You’re safe, Clarke.” Lexa whispers softly. She wants to help Clarke and she can only hope she’s not making a mistake.

Clarke nuzzles her head onto Lexa’s shoulder. “Thank you, Lexa.”

Lexa hears that Clarke sounds a bit drowsy. She keeps repeating to the blonde that she’s safe, whispering in Clarke’s ear. When she’s sure the blonde has fallen asleep, she carefully lies her down and places the blanket over her.

“Goodnight, Clarke.” Lexa softly kisses Clarke’s forehead. If only she could take the blonde’s nightmares away. She runs silently to her room and runs back with a stuffed animal. “Sometimes this helps me when I have a bad dream.” She places it down next to Clarke, in case the blonde would wake up again.

As a door shuts, Clarke cracks her eyes open a bit, a smile forming on her lips. She hugs the stuffed animal. It has Lexa’s scent on it, it’s comforting. What the brunette did for her was sweet. She won’t forget that. As sleep beckons her, she dreams of a girl with wavy brown hair in a flower field.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> © The poem is mine. It may not be copied or duplicated in any way.   
> It's one I've written about a year ago and I felt like it fits Anya in this story. Sharing poetry always makes me a bit nervous, because it's more personal. 
> 
> Clarke and Lexa are slowly starting to comfort each other more.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya is still being her intimidating self and Raven is testing her limits. 
> 
> Lexa and Clarke are soft babies who need hugs.

Raven groans when she rolls out of Anya’s bed with a thud. Well, technically the young woman pushed her out. That’s not nice.

“Time to get up, Raven.” Anya glances at her clock. “Lexa will be up soon.” She doesn’t want her sister to see Raven waking up from her room. Nobody ever sleeps in her room. It’s already enough that Raven and Clarke will be staying over for a month. Lexa doesn’t need extra stress.

“You didn’t have to push me out of your bed.”

“I nudged you at least three times, but you’re a sleepy head.”

Raven rubs her eyes and looks at the clock. “It’s not even 6am, are you kidding me?” She never gets up this early. Normally she sleeps until eight, at least.

“My sister wakes up at six.” Anya gets up to put some more clothes on. “We’ll be having breakfast soon.” She places her arms under Raven’s armpits and hoists her up. “Rise and shine.”

Raven is still tired. It has been a late night. At this point even the floor is a good place to sleep, she’d doze off quickly.

Anya grabs Raven’s shirt and pulls it over the girl’s head. “I warned you about this.” She already told Raven she had to get out before Lexa would get up.

“I know.” Raven sighs and gets up. “I’m up, okay.” She knows the drill.

Anya stills for a moment when Raven kisses her. When the girl doesn’t pull away yet, she winds her arms around Raven and kisses her back. They’re on the same page, this is just a kiss.

Raven smiles against Anya’s lips. “How was your sleep?”

“It was fine.” Anya didn’t sleep that much. When Raven was already fast asleep, she was still awake, watching as the girl slept. She has never really watched someone sleep, not like that. It was strange to wake up next to Raven. She has never shared her bed with anyone before. “How was yours?”

“It was okay.” Raven liked her sleep, even though she didn’t get that many hours. It was warm and comfortable, in Anya’s arms. They might not fully be on the same page, but she won’t tell the young woman that. Having contact like that with someone, soft and tender, is comfortable for her. It’s something she seeks, but it always ends up in disappointment. “I’m still a bit tired though. If you open those curtains I’ll smother you.” Her eyes will need to adjust first.

A smile tugs at the corners of Anya’s lips. “You’re going to smother me? Please, I can take you down with one arm on my back.” It’s amusing that Raven would think she can smother her. “I don’t plan to open the curtains yet, I too, hate that.”

Raven pushes Anya roughly against the wall and bites her bottom lip. “I’m tougher than you think I am.” She’s not going to leave the young woman in her delusion that she can be taken out easily, because that’s not the case. She reaches into her pocket for a lighter and holds it open, close to Anya’s face.

Anya blows the flame out. “There goes your fire.” She twists her hands in Raven’s collar and lifts the girl up, forcing Raven to stand on the tips of her toes. “Be careful who you challenge.” The girl is lucky that she’s cute. If this had been some stranger, it would have ended ugly.

Raven just smirks. She’s not scared of Anya. Nobody scares her. “I have many ways to create fire. That lighter is nothing but a gadget for me.”

Anya puts Raven down. The girl can keep her little gadget. She has gadgets of her own that are far more helpful than a lighter. Tonight she definitely needs to go outside to get her release.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa is in her room, lying on her bed on her stomach. She’s wiggling her legs a bit while flipping through a magazine. The movie last night was interesting. It made her a bit nervous. Raven made an interesting choice. Personally she wouldn’t dare to select a movie like that. She wants to see movies like that more. Maybe Raven will continue to select movies like that during her stay here, although it could have been a coincidence.

While looking through the magazine, she looks at pictures from women. They look so beautiful. Anya probably knows that she’s attracted to girls, but she’s not outspoken about it and her sister never mentions it. She doesn’t date anyone because of the way she is, all jumpy and scared. Mostly she doesn’t date anyone because of Costia.

About two years ago she met a girl who seemed really sweet. Costia was kind and friendly. At some point Costia must have lost her patience. She had known Costia for a few months when the girl began to reach for her hand without any warning, while ignoring the way she flinched at the sudden touch. It got to the point where Costia got frustrated and said mean things to her that hurt her feelings. The bucket ran over when Costia had grabbed her and kissed her, without any warning. When Costia got handsy, she freaked out and ran.

She remembers that day. When she got home, she had one panic attack after another. Anya gently helped her calm down and sang to her until she would fall asleep. When she woke up a few hours later, her sister wasn’t home. About two hours later Anya got home with a scratch on her cheek. She wishes she wouldn’t remember that day. It was awful, first the whole thing with Costia and then her sister coming home from a fight at some bar.

She never saw Costia ever again after that day. Most likely Costia didn’t even want to see her anymore. It’s probably for the best, because after that day, she wouldn’t have been able to deal with Costia anymore. She used to think Costia was her friend, but that apparently wasn’t true. Costia simply vanished. They used to get milkshakes together and she felt nervous each time she even passed by that place, but Costia never showed up again.

Being with a girl is something that’s unlikely to happen for her. Nobody will ever like her like that. Not with the way she is. She hears a knock on her door and closes her magazine quickly, hiding it under her pillow.

“I’m up.” Lexa hurries to leap out of her bed and to run up to her door. She sees Anya standing on the other side. “I’m sorry I’m late for breakfast.” Usually she’s out of her room by now, but she got distracted with the magazine and her thoughts.

Anya smiles softly. “You’re not late, the others are early.” Lexa can eat breakfast when she feels like it.

Raven walks by and scoffs. “Yes, I have a thing for waking up at six in the morning to eat breakfast.” She shuts up when Anya glares at her. “So, breakfast?” She smiles and rubs her hands together.

Lexa sees that Clarke is still sleeping on the couch. She smiles when she notices her stuffed animal in the blonde’s arms. That means Clarke woke up at some point to hold on to it. She hopes it has been helpful to help the blonde with her nightmares.

 

 

* * *

 

 

While Lexa is in the bathroom, Anya goes inside her room to open her window for a bit for some fresh air. She makes her sister’s bed and finds the magazine under the pillow. Yesterday it was somewhere on Lexa’s desk, now under her pillow. Her sister must have been looking in it again. She would give Lexa more magazines, but she doesn’t want to freak her sister out.

She hasn’t forgotten about the whole situation with Costia two years ago. It had angered her so much when Lexa came home, completely losing it. She was very concerned about her sister. It was tough not to burst out in rage when Lexa told her what had happened. Around her sister she is calm. If she would get angry while Lexa is nearby, her sister would panic. Lexa is sensitive and fragile.

After she had calmed her sister down that day and when Lexa fell asleep, completely exhausted, she went to go look for Costia. She made sure Costia can never hurt her sister ever again. Lexa seemed to enjoy the movie last night, which is good.

Anya leaves Lexa’s room and shuts the door.

Clarke stirs on the couch and opens her eyes. She sees that everyone else is already awake and Anya is looking directly at her, or more specifically at the stuffed animal.

Anya works her jaw while she wonders if Lexa gave her stuffed animal to Clarke, or if the blonde went into her sister’s room.

“Did my stuffed animal help you, Clarke?” Lexa asks while studying Clarke. She can see the intense eye contact between the blonde and her sister, but as soon as she sees it, it’s gone again.

Anya decides to make herself some coffee.

“Yes, it helped.” Clarke smiles faintly. She gets up from the couch. “I’ll fold it back.”

Lexa moves to stand next to Clarke. “I’ll help you.” She blushes when her hand brushes against the blonde’s hand.

Clarke pretends she didn’t feel that, but she did. When the couch is folded back, she sits down. It’s still early and she doesn’t want any breakfast.

Lexa sits down next to Clarke. “Can I hold your hand?” She’s worried the blonde would say no, but maybe Clarke will say yes because they’re friends.

Clarke responds by reaching out for Lexa’s hand. This feels comfortable.

Anya clears her throat from behind them, making them both jump up. “Do you want some coffee?” She holds two cups out, one for Lexa and one for Clarke.

Clarke takes the cup from Anya. “Thank you.” She hopes her cheeks aren’t too red. Did she break a rule? In a way, yes, and she already broke one during the night. It was a mistake when she hugged Lexa, but the brunette didn’t seem to mind. Now she had been holding Lexa’s hand, but the brunette asked her for permission. Would Anya get angry for that?

“Thank you, Anya.” Lexa smiles a bit at her sister.

“Can I get some coffee?” Raven asks. She can see how Anya’s eyes are a bit hardened as she looks at Clarke.

Anya nods. “There’s more in the kitchen.” She will continue to keep an eye on Clarke, just in case. So far her guests have a knack for breaking the rules she has given them. She can let it slide, for now. When Raven entered her room, she allowed the girl to stay. As for Clarke and holding Lexa’s hand, her sister seemed okay, so she’ll let that one slide as well.

Anya can see that Clarke is not like Costia, but that doesn’t mean anything. Costia was kind and sweet at first, but that mask eventually fell and Costia’s true colors were revealed. Clarke may appear as if she has good intentions, but time will tell if that will last or not.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa is curled up on the couch, holding Clarke’s hand. She’s smiling a bit as they’re watching a movie. This time Anya chose which movie they would be watching and her sister ended up choosing Imagine Me & You.

Clarke finds a great deal of comfort in Lexa’s touch. She’s relieved there’s a blanket over them again and that Anya is watching the movie rather than staring at her.

Anya gets up from the couch. “I’m going to take a bath.” She needs to relax a bit. This day can be long and she can’t sneak out until it is night. The movie is for Lexa, she hopes her sister will enjoy it.

Raven stretches herself a bit more comfortably, now that she has more space. She can see how Clarke is almost huddled up with Lexa. Right, they’re just friends. Sure thing. Maybe for now. Anyway, she won’t make a comment. They can do whatever. She has a feeling they can help each other, so that’s positive.

“I’m going to stretch my legs for a bit.” Raven says as she gets up. She sees that it doesn’t matter because Clarke and Lexa don’t seem to be listening. They don’t even blink when she walks through the hall, making her way to the bathroom. Anya said nothing about not entering the bathroom, so there’s that and a bath is nice.

Clarke scoots over a bit now that there’s more space on the couch. She continues to hold Lexa’s hand. Shyly, she rubs small circles with her thumb. She’s not sure how the brunette will respond to that.

Lexa is engrossed with the movie, but she can feel Clarke’s thumb circling on her hand. They seem to be alone now. Anya is taking a bath and Raven went somewhere.

“It’s…” The words feel slightly heavy for Clarke to speak. “It’s nice to be here.” She squeezes Lexa’s hand softly. “To be here with…you.”

Lexa can feel her cheeks reddening. “It’s nice to have you here.” She might get used to having Clarke’s company, but she knows it’s only for a month. “I like that you’re my friend.”

“I like that you’re my friend as well.” Clarke plays with the bracelets around Lexa’s wrist. “Could you maybe…um… can you teach me how to make one?” She thinks it’s rather easy, but it’ll be nice to spend more time with the brunette.

“Yes, I can teach you.” It makes Lexa smile that Clarke wants her to teach her. “After the movie?”

“After the movie is good.”

Lexa can hear how deeply Clarke is breathing. “Are you… okay?” She wonders if maybe the blonde wanted to make a bracelet right now. Maybe she upset Clarke by making her wait.

“Can I hug you? It’s okay if you say no, you don’t have to.”

Clarke waits for an answer, but it’s silent. Five minutes pass and Lexa says nothing. She feels the brunette pulling her hand away from her. She shouldn’t have asked it’s too much.

Lexa turns her face to look at Clarke. The blonde fascinates her somehow. When Clarke meets her eyes, she can see the blonde blushing and ducking her head away.

Clarke wants to hide under the blanket. She’s making this really awkward. As she’s tugging at the blanket to hide her face, she feels arms wrapping around her, Lexa’s arms.

Lexa gently holds Clarke and lets the blonde lean against her. Warmth spreads through her when Clarke nuzzles her head close to her chest and blonde hair tickles her chin. Clarke’s skin is soft and smooth like velvet.

Clarke finds it easier to breathe while Lexa is holding her. Maybe someday the brunette will allow her to hold her like this. She would like that and she hopes Lexa will like that too. At this moment she’s breaking one of Anya’s rules again, but it shouldn’t matter because she asked permission.

“Have you ever seen this movie, Lexa?”

“No, I haven’t.” Lexa wishes she would have because it looks good. “Have you?”

“Many times, it’s one of my favorites.”

“Do you like it when the girls kiss each other?”

Clarke is surprised by Lexa’s question. “I uh…” She didn’t expect that.

“I mean…” Lexa freezes. She shouldn’t have asked that. “That scene we just saw where they kissed, did you like that one?” She hopes she can backtrack her question a bit this way. This feels embarrassing.

“It’s a good scene.” Clarke replies earnestly.

Lexa lets out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. It was unnerving to ask Clarke that, she really shouldn’t have. What was she trying to get at anyway? It’s not even her business who the blonde would possibly be attracted to. She shouldn’t weird Clarke out like that. She wonders if she should say something to change the topic to get this off the blonde’s mind, but then Clarke speaks again, although it’s barely a whisper.

“Reality is better though.”

Lexa blushes deeply and she’s relieved that Clarke can’t see her face right now. She shouldn’t draw conclusions for this. The blonde’s comment doesn’t mean that Clarke would be into girls. It’s just a comment. Perhaps it means that the blonde likes to see two girls kiss in person, rather than in a movie. That could be what Clare means. Next time she asks something, she should think twice about it, or maybe three times to be sure.

Clarke has dated a few girls, in the past. It’s nice to see two girls together in a movie, but reality is better. She hasn’t been with anyone for well over a year though. After everything that happened she closed herself off. It’s not easy to date someone when talking easily makes her feel nauseous. Everything with Lexa is easier, because the brunette knows the gentle balance between talking and silence and Lexa knows how to make both bearable.

“Lexa?”

“Yes, Clarke?”

“Do you like it when girls kiss each other?” Since Lexa asked her, Clarke is curious to ask it back. It only seems fair. “From the scene, of course.” She swallows the lump in her throat.

Lexa didn’t think that her question would get fired back at her, but then again, she didn’t really think when she asked that question in the first place. “The scene was uh…interesting. The movie looks good.” Thanks to herself, she’s in an uncomfortable position. “Do you know which colors you want for your bracelet?” She needs not to talk about girls. Anything is fine, but not that.

“Green would be nice.” Clarke likes that color. She’s… almost happy that Lexa is her friend. The brunette is very sweet. At the moment she feels a bit shy due to the topic, but she wasn’t always so shy. Not that she’s exactly blunt either. Her life changed a lot during the last year. Things are different. “Would it be okay if next time I hold you?”

Lexa doesn’t know what to say. Bit by bit she can get used to holding hands and hugging, but she will need time and she can’t promise anything. It startles her that Clarke is talking about next time. She didn’t think hugging would be something permanent.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya grits her teeth when the bathroom door opens and Raven walks in with a smirk on her face. She was just halfway done undressing herself. That girl seriously has some nerve walking in here.

Raven quickly finds her back pressed against the door with Anya having a strong grip on her wrists. The young woman really seems to like to push her against doors and walls.

“Tell me, Raven,” Anya licks her lips and stares at Raven, “do you have a death wish?”

“I was thinking about taking a bath. You’re going to take one, so we might as well share, don’t you think?”

“You walk into my bathroom while I’m here, with my sister in the living room.” Anya doesn’t like this. She doesn’t want Lexa to get any wrong thoughts. “I made it clear I don’t do relationships and I don’t date people either.”

Raven moves her hands up Anya’s biceps. “I’m not asking for a relationship or to date.” She knows the young woman is a tough cookie. “You want to take a bath and I want to take a bath as well. That’s all it is. You never said this is against the rules.” She knows she’s testing Anya quite a bit. Then again, she likes to play with fire. 

“Oh, so this is normal to you?” Anya purses her lips. “Okay then, when Clarke enters the bathroom tomorrow, she can share with me.”

“I guess that means I can’t share with you tomorrow, which leaves… ah right, Lexa.”

“If you go near my sister, I’ll end you.” Anya growls angrily at Raven. If the girl does that, she’ll kick Raven and Clarke out without so much as a word or a second glance.

“Interesting foreplay.” Raven grins, still not intimidated. “How about that bath?”

“You’re infuriating, Raven.” Anya is going to have a very hard time to control herself around Raven. The girl brings it out in her. She grabs Raven roughly and kisses her, biting down on the girl’s bottom lip. Either she’ll end Raven someday, or the girl will be the end of her.

Raven helps Anya to undress further, while the young woman is trying to take her clothes off. The water in the tub feels nice and warm. Her fingertips dance over Anya’s skin. She doesn’t mind the scars. It’s unfortunate that the young woman isn’t interested in anything serious. She feels drawn towards Anya and it’s not getting better. They’re on the same page, right, for sure. Not.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexa has had a rough past, well they all have actually.   
> Maybe some wonder what happened to Costia. Anya made sure Costia is not an issue anymore. 
> 
> Maybe someday Raven will push Anya too far.   
> They're not quite on the same page after all. Looks like Anya isn't the only one who goes after troublemakers.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven talks more with Anya.   
> Anya tells Raven how she handled Costia. 
> 
> Clarke ends up in Lexa's bedroom and then Anya is at the door.

Clarke doesn’t say a word when Raven and Anya both have wet hair. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they were in the bathroom together, and even if they were, that isn’t a bad thing. It’s none of her concern anyway. Those two can do what they want. She didn’t really pay attention. They might have not been in the bathroom at the same time.

Lexa looks up briefly and her hands still. She was making a bracelet. Her eyebrows knit together as she can see that Anya and Raven both look like they just got out of the bathtub. Maybe she’s wrong. She has never seen her sister with anyone, that’s what she knows. It’s possible that she’s reading this all wrong. Anya wouldn’t share the bathroom with anyone. If Raven would have gone in there, her sister would have pushed her out of the door.

Clarke turns her attention back to the bracelet she’s trying to make. Once it’s done she could give it to Lexa. She wishes she could give the brunette a drawing, but the thought of having to draw tightens her chest to the point where she can’t breathe. It’s been a year since she created any art. Without her parents it just isn’t the same.

“I’m going out to get some groceries with Raven.” Anya says as she grabs her coat. “Will you be okay, Lexa?” She knows her sister isn’t comfortable to tag along when she buys groceries.

“Yes, I’m okay.”

Anya taps her fingers against the door while she looks at Clarke. Her lips form a thin line. “I’ll be back soon.” She hopes the blonde won’t try anything funny in her absence. At least she’s not leaving Lexa behind with Raven.

Raven frowns a bit. Okay so apparently she’s going out to get groceries. How nice of Anya to inform her about that. Sighing, she grabs her coat to follow the young woman outside.

Anya is relieved to be outside for a while. She doesn’t like to be indoors for too long and she already had to skip going out at night.

“I see you keeping a close eye on Clarke a lot.” Raven is concerned that Anya might be scaring Clarke. Just because she’s not intimidated by the young woman doesn’t mean her friend isn’t. “You might want to chill a bit. Clarke isn’t going to hurt Lexa. She’s a good person.”

“My sister has been hurt in the past. I have a reason to be wary. You weren’t there, you don’t know. You didn’t see what I saw.”

“What happened?” From the tone of Anya’s voice, Raven can tell it’s something serious. “We’ve already been sharing secrets anyway.” She’s not going to tell anyone.

“Two years ago there was a girl, Costia. She did things that hurt and upset Lexa, badly.” Anya decides not to go into details because that’s unnecessary. “She seems very sweet, but it was just a mask that didn’t stick. Clarke seems sweet, but I know that looks can deceive.”

“You’re right, looks can deceive.” Raven feels like Anya’s looks are deceiving as well, all intimidating while there’s softness inside. “What did you do to Costia?” She can sense that there’s a story behind it.

“I made sure she can’t hurt my sister anymore.”

“And how exactly did you make sure of that?”

Anya rolls her eyes. It’s not something she’s pleased about. “I didn’t kill her if that’s what you’re thinking. Costia was barely fifteen at the time.”

“I wasn’t thinking that.” Raven doesn’t automatically assume that Anya would go around killing anyone who gets in the way. “So, what happened?”

“I sought her out to talk to her.” Anya tried to tell Costia how important it is to respect Lexa’s boundaries. “She got angry at me and nicked my cheek with a sharp object.” Costia was telling her that her sister would be her possession, which was very wrong. “I tied her to a tree upside down and left her there for a few minutes. After that I told her that if she’d go near Lexa ever again, I’d cut her ear to ear.” Okay yes, she did threaten Costia, but that was to scare her off since talking didn’t work.

Raven raises one eyebrow. “Hmm interesting, she nicks your cheek and all you did was tying her to a tree upside down and threaten her. That’s not so bad, I guess.” She doesn’t know what Costia did, but if she hurt Lexa, then that girl is probably lucky that Anya didn’t do more.

“In the end she was just a girl, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t angry because of what happened.”

“You’re always very protective over Lexa. I know you won’t let anyone harm her, you have that vibe about you.”

“I met Lexa when she was eleven. If you would have seen her back then, you would have protected her as well.” Anya will never forget how small and fragile Lexa was. When she first met her sister, Lexa already had so many scars and bruises. Seeing all of that on such a sweet girl really angered her. Her sister is the only person she’s always soft around.

Raven can see that Lexa has issues, but still. “Maybe your sister is stronger than you think. I know you want to protect her and I don’t blame you for that, but you shouldn’t come running to her with a bandage each time she gets a scratch, you know?” She’s not trying to tell Anya that she’s too soft on Lexa, but perhaps Lexa is a bit tougher than the young woman thinks. “When your sister falls, she’ll get up again. Maybe she’ll take longer than you would to get up, but that doesn’t mean she can. Maybe she will need a hand sometimes to get up, but that doesn’t mean she needs to be picked up each time she stumbles.”

“I share something and you decide to give me a lecture?” Anya can’t deny that there is a truth to Raven’s words, but she wasn’t asking for a speech of any kind. “Let’s go buy groceries, in silence.”

Raven reaches out for Anya’s hand. She feels how the young woman tries to pull her hand away. “Does it bother you when I hold your hand?”

“Yes, because couple stuff is disgusting and I don’t walk over the street holding hands with anyone ever.”

“Good thing we’re not a couple then. Besides, there’s a first time for everything.”

Anya wonders if Raven is always going to be this annoying. “I might smother you in your sleep tonight.”

“You’re going to smother me with your lips? Bring it on.”

“One of these days, Raven, you will see.”

Raven winks at Anya. “Can’t wait.” She’s not going to be intimidated. This is fun for her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa looks curiously at the magazine that’s on the table. It’s one of those with pictures of girls in it. She glances at her sister. “Is that your magazine?” She didn’t think Anya would be interested in that.

Anya looks up for a moment. She bought that magazine for Lexa while she was out to buy groceries. “No, that’s Raven’s magazine. She bought it.” She shrugs like she hasn’t seen it before. It can’t be obvious that she’s buying something like that for her sister.

Raven is confused. “Huh, what?” She heard something about a magazine.

“That magazine that you bought.” Anya says. She grabs it and tosses it at Raven. “The one that you wanted so badly.”

Raven takes a look at it. Oh this is interesting. She can work with this. “Ah yes, my magazine. I can’t get enough of girls.” She winks teasingly at Anya. “I think I already have this one though. Dammit.” She holds it out to Lexa. “I don’t know where you keep old paper. Can you throw this out for me?” She’s going to assume it’s meant for Lexa and if not, then Anya can fish it back from the stack of old paper to drool over it.

Lexa nervously accepts the magazine. “Okay.” She walks towards the place where the old paper is kept. When she gets there, she slides the magazine under her shirt and casually passes the kitchen again, walking up to her room. Once in her room, she shuts her door quickly.

Clarke knocks on Lexa’s door. She knows she’s not supposed to go inside because of the rules, but she doesn’t plan to.

Lexa opens her door and stares at Clarke. “Yes?” She’s not sure what the blonde wants.

Clarke holds a bracelet out. “It’s for you.” Her eyes dart down to the magazine Lexa is holding.

Lexa follows Clarke’s eyes and swallows nervously. Oh, the magazine. “I uh… it’s uh… research for uh… to research.” She forgets how to breathe properly. Her chest hurts.

“It is okay, Lexa.” Clarke wants to reassure Lexa that it’s not a bad thing. “It’s normal.” She reaches her hand out but stops before she can touch the brunette. “Can I hold your hand?” She wants to comfort Lexa. “You’re safe.” She’s not going to hurt the brunette.

Lexa shifts on her feet. She grabs Clarke’s hand, pulls her inside and shuts the door. Once her door is closed, she leans against it and tries to breathe.

Clarke wonders if this counts for breaking a rule. Technically she didn’t enter, Lexa pulled her inside.

Lexa moves to sit down on her bed. She places the magazine in front of her, embarrassed to look at it now. What is Clarke going to think of her? Probably that she’s weird or something.

Clarke slowly walks over to Lexa’s bed and sits down on the edge, leaving enough space not to startle the brunette. “Lexa, do you like girls?”

Lexa’s cheeks heat up and she looks away. She can’t look at Clarke right now.

“It’s okay if you like girls. I like girls as well.”

That catches Lexa’s attention. She turns her face to look at Clarke. “You do?”

“Yes, I do.” Clarke has known that she likes girls for quite a few years. “It’s okay to want to look at girls. You don’t have to feel bad about it.”

“Do you want to look at this magazine together?” Lexa scoots over a bit to make space for Clarke.

Clarke nods and sits down next to Lexa. She can see that it’s a decent magazine with girls in it who are wearing pretty clothes. There are a few girls in bathing suits. Even if it had been porn, she wouldn’t have judged Lexa for it.

Lexa flips slowly through the pages. “This girl looks pretty.” She points at a woman with long blonde hair.

“Hmm.” Clarke licks her lips and looks at the page. “I like this one better.” She points at a woman with long chestnut brown hair.

Lexa finds comfort in having Clarke next to her. The blonde is kind. “Thank you for the bracelet.” She hands it back to Clarke. “Can you tie it for me?”

Clarke nods and slowly ties it around Lexa’s wrist.

They’re on Lexa’s bed, lying down on their stomachs while looking through the magazine. Their arms brush lightly every now and then.

Clarke smiles while she talks to Lexa about which girl she prefers on each page, while the brunette does the same. She learns that Lexa likes blondes.

A loud knock on the door makes them both look up.

Lexa stares at her door, then at the magazine and back at her door. “Yes?”

The door opens and Anya looks at them, one hand on her hip. “Oh, here you are, Clarke.” She should have known Clarke would have followed Lexa. The blonde is a rule breaker, just like Raven.

“I yes…” Clarke feels nervous now. She knows this is against Anya’s rules. “I was just uh…”

Lexa places her hand on top of Clarke’s and squeezes softly, sensing that the blonde is getting upset. She wouldn’t usually do this, but she learned from Clarke that touch comforts her.

Anya can see the magazine on Lexa’s bed. They must be looking through it together then. “Do you want some lemonade? You girls must be thirsty.”

Raven laughs as she passes by the door. She stops when Anya pinches her.

Anya didn’t mean thirsty in that way. Godammit Raven.

Clarke is blushing deeply, having caught on why Raven laughed. She knows her friend well enough. This is awkward. Lexa is just her friend. “I uh… lemonade would be nice. Thanks.”

Lexa doesn’t know why Raven was laughing. Nobody made a joke or anything. “Yes, Anya. It will be refreshing.”

Anya stares for two more seconds before turning on the ball of her foot to get them some lemonade. It’s not like she could storm in to drag Clarke out or something. She hopes the blonde won’t be like Costia. Her sister has suffered more than enough. She can see that Lexa is getting closer with Clarke, as friends. It worries her.

Clarke smiles gratefully when Anya hands her a cool glass of lemonade. Lexa’s sister is not that bad. Right now Anya doesn’t appear so scary.

Lexa blushes a bit when she sees that Anya is looking at the magazine. “I uh…”

“I wanted to have a look in it.” Clarke says, covering for Lexa. “It made me curious.” She can feel the brunette’s hand relaxing in hers.

“That’s fine.” Anya replies. She knows better. So Clarke is covering for Lexa to make her more comfortable. That’s kind. “I’ll be on the couch watching a movie.”

Clarke and Lexa watch as Anya walks out and closes the door. As soon as she’s gone, they turn their attention back to the magazine.

“Thank you, Clarke. For… what you said.”

“We’re friends. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m just not… I’m not outspoken about it. I think my sister might know, but I just don’t talk about it.”

Clarke rolls onto her back and plays with a lock of Lexa’s hair, watching the brunette closely for any signs of discomfort. “It’s okay if you don’t really feel like talking about it. I think your sister accepts you for who you are though.” It’s clear that Anya cares about Lexa.

Lexa blushes as Clarke plays with her hair. She wonders how often the blonde will make her blush.

Clarke simply watches Lexa as the brunette continues to flip through the magazine. There’s something peaceful about watching Lexa like this.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anya is relieved when it’s finally night. Her sister is sleeping in her room and Clarke is sleeping on the couch with Raven. After staying home last night, she really needs to go outside tonight. It’s her routine. All she needs is a few hours.

Raven isn’t sleeping yet. She sees Anya’s shadow as the young woman leaves. Clarke seems to be sound asleep. She gets up and walks out of the door, following Anya. Maybe if she’s silent the young woman won’t notice yet, but of course she’s thinking wrong.

Anya hears that someone is following her. Her ears are well-trained. She turns around and grabs Raven. “What are you doing out here?”

“I’m going for a walk.” Raven replies dryly. “Where are you going?”

“You’re going for a walk at night? Where I’m going doesn’t concern you.”

“Yeah, sometimes I go for a walk at night.” It’s not a lie. Raven has done that many times before. “Okay, fine.” She walks past Anya, going her own way.

Anya doesn’t like this. Everything can get shady at night. Raven shouldn’t go wander around on her own, she could get hurt. Not that she should care about that. It’s whatever. That girl is stubborn.

Raven keeps walking, unsure if Anya will follow her or not. She doesn’t know this neighborhood. She’s never been around here before. It shouldn’t be too bad. Anya seems fine hanging around in this area, so it must be sort of okay. She enters a bar and orders a drink. There’s no sign of the young woman. Anya must have gone elsewhere.

Anya leans against the brick wall outside the bar Raven entered. She sees a few shady types. When one approaches her, she has a menacing grin on her face. Mere seconds later, her nails are raking roughly over his back while she bites his neck. He replies by pushing her against the brick wall in a rough way. Her eyes darken and her control slips away. When she’s done, she knows he’ll have marks from this.

Raven walks out of the bar after downing two drinks. It’s really dark out. She feels someone pulling her into an even darker alley, but it’s not Anya. It’s some guy who reeks of beer. “Get away from me.” She pushes him to make him back off, but he doesn’t take the hint. His lips are on her neck and his breath is unpleasant. She keeps trying to push him away. It was a mistake not to be guarded.

“Don’t fucking touch her!! She’s mine!” Anya growls and grabs the guy by his collar, pulling him away roughly. She holds a blade to his throat. “Touch her again and I’ll slit your throat.” She sneers in his ear. With her elbow she hits him in his stomach. She connects her fist with his jaw. “Leave! Now!”

The guy scrambles to get away.

Raven sees that Anya is shaking with anger. She knows that the young woman is close to lashing out at everyone and everything. “Anya.” Her voice is soft and she winds her arms around Anya’s middle. She won’t forget the way the young woman said that she’s hers. Maybe Anya didn’t mean to say that aloud, but she’s glad she heard her say it.

Anya turns around. Her pupils are dilated. That guy made her furious. She hoists Raven up and presses the girl against the brick wall, kissing her tenderly. She won’t let anyone hurt Raven. “I’ll take you home.” She lowers the girl and holds her hand.

Raven smiles while she walks back with Anya, while the young woman holds her close. “You told that guy I’m yours.” She was wondering not to bring it up, but she can’t let it go.

“He was going to hurt you.”

Raven stops walking and cups Anya’s cheeks. “Do you want me to be yours?”

“I told you I don’t-”

“Just answer honestly.”

“I’ve never been with anyone like that. You said we were on the same page.”

Raven crosses her arms. “Well I lied. We’re not on the same page.” She sighs deeply. “Just like you’re lying when you claim you don’t want us to be anything.”

“We’ll talk about this later. Tonight is not a good time.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anya feels conflicted because of Raven. 
> 
> Clexa is bonding more.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're giving in to what they feel.

Clarke wakes up from a nightmare. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. She suddenly feels a hand on her back and turns around. “Lexa?”

Lexa had woken up and walked into the kitchen for some water. Then she saw that Clarke was stirring a lot, until the blonde eventually woke up crying. “You’re safe.” She slowly sits down next to Clarke and continues to rub her back.

“I had another nightmare.” Clarke hates how she keeps getting those. She looks around and sees that Raven isn’t here. Her friend must have gone out for a walk then. “It felt so real.”

Lexa holds her arms open, unsure if Clarke will lean into her embrace. She’s pretty much just copying what Anya usually does for her.

Clarke gratefully leans into Lexa’s arms. “You seem to be the one who’s always comforting me.” She feels guilty for it, not wanting to let the brunette be the shoulder she always leans on now.

“That’s not true, Clarke. You have comforted me many times.”

“I have?”

“Yes, your presence is… it’s comforting.”

For now Clarke simply wants some distraction, which she is already finding in Lexa’s arms, but still. “Have you ever kissed a girl?” It’s something she has been wondering about, because the brunette appeared so shy about the magazine.

Lexa shifts a bit uncomfortably, not having expected such a question. “I haven’t kissed a girl yet.” She hasn’t had the chance to do that yet, not that she’d never want to. “A girl did kiss me once.”

Clarke is curious because Lexa said yet, indicating she might want to. “What happened with the girl who kissed you?”

Lexa drops her arms to her side, no longer hugging Clarke. It’s a memory she would rather erase from her mind, but it’s not that easy.

Clarke is worried she hit a sensitive spot. “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about her.” She doesn’t want Lexa to be uncomfortable.

“No wait, I want to.” Lexa has to take a few deep breaths and she is relieved that Clarke is waiting for her to talk, without prodding or rushing her. “Her name was Costia. I knew her two years ago. She seemed sweet, kind and she was my friend. Someday she took my hand without any warning and then she kissed me. Before I could react, her hands were moving over my body. I panicked and I ran away. After that I never saw her again.”

“It’s not right that the first time a girl kissed you happened like that. She shouldn’t have touched you without your permission.” Clarke’s stomach knots as she imagines someone doing that to Lexa, the sweet girl she has gotten to know. “I assure you that kissing a girl can be very soft and gentle, accompanied by good feelings, as long as both sides want it.”

“Sometimes I wished I could have that, but I don’t count on it. Some things won’t happen, at least not for someone as jumpy and messed up as I am.”

“Is that how you see yourself, Lexa?” Clarke can’t believe that this amazing girl who is sitting next to her would think such a thing. “You deserve love, so much of it. Who you are is perfect and I can’t imagine how someone wouldn’t be able to love you because you’re this insanely sweet girl, with such a big heart on the inside.”

Lexa wants to believe Clarke’s words, but she’s not sure if she can. Her past has taught her otherwise and made her feel unworthy, which even Anya’s best efforts didn’t change. “Do you?”

Clarke is lost for a moment. “Do I what?”

Lexa blushes deeply and scoots further away from Clarke, unable to look at her. She is worried that she will sound ridiculous, worried that her friend will laugh. “Do you…love me?” She stutters the words out like she might break right now. Her chest is tensing up, making it harder to breathe.

“Yes, because you’re my friend.” Clarke does love Lexa, because they get along and it’s just…yes. “I do, love you. Do you lo-love me?” She’s feeling nauseous as she speaks.

“I think so.”

Clarke is satisfied with Lexa’s answer. It’s good enough and she doesn’t need to hear more than that.

“Clarke?”

“Yes, Lexa?”

“I’m wondering if…” Lexa trials off as her nerves catch up on her. She can see Clarke holding a hand up and when she nods briefly, her friend squeezes her hand. “I want to know what it’s like, to receive… to have…a soft and gentle kiss.”

Clarke’s eyes widen as she hears Lexa’s underlying request. “You’re asking me…? You want me to…? A kiss? From me?”

“You don’t have to.” Lexa doesn’t want Clarke to feel pressured or obligated.

Clarke wonders about it and feels like one kiss wouldn’t be so bad. It’s like a hug, only with lips. They’re friends. She can do this for her friend. “Close your eyes.”

Lexa closes her eyes, trusting Clarke that she means her no harm. She can feel her friend’s hands on her cheeks, soft.

Clarke leans in and flutters her eyes shut, pressing her lips tenderly against Lexa’s. She thought about letting it be a light peck, but then she feels the brunette’s arms wrapping around her, returning the kiss. A wave of emotions hits her as they kiss.

Lexa has tears rolling down her cheeks. During their kiss, she can feel the wetness on Clarke’s cheeks, indicating that she is crying as well and the way the blonde’s lip quivers.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The nightly air feels good and refreshing. Raven keeps wondering about a few things, aside from the way she feels and how she thinks Anya feels. “You like to bite people’s bottom lip and neck and you like to use your nails. How come?” She’s simply being curious.

“Growing up, pain was all I ever knew. Everyone was always being rough.” Anya is used to being hit and receiving cuts and whatnot. It’s more than she can list. It made her who she is, unable to be a gentle lover. “Violence was all I ever knew. Lexa is an exception, I could never hurt her. My sister is a victim, she’s innocent.” Her fight is not with innocents. When she got to know Lexa, she felt a connection and the need to protect her. “I bite and claw because it’s my release.”

“If you want you can bite me a bit harder and claw a bit harder.” Raven knows that Anya has been taking it easy on her. “I can handle it.” If the young woman needs a release like that, she can offer it.

“I can’t hurt you like that.”

“That’s quite the opposite of what you used to say.”

Anya gestures between the two of them with her hands. “I can’t define this, I can’t define… us.” All she knows is that it’s doubtful that she’d be able to hurt Raven. “You’re just different.”

“You don’t have to define what we are. We could just be.”

“I do feel things for you, things I haven’t felt for anyone before.”

“I feel the same way, Anya. It doesn’t have to be complicated. We can enjoy what is, live day by day.”

Anya nods slowly. “Okay, I can do that.” She can manage to live day by day and see where things lead with Raven.

Raven smiles for the rest of their walk.

Anya opens the door and they walk in, but as soon as they walked in, they freeze.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa jumps up, startled to see Anya and Raven standing there so suddenly. In a rush of panic about what they just witnessed, she runs off into her bedroom and slams the door shut.

Anya grasps Raven’s forearm and whispers in her ear. “Go to my room, now.” She needs to have a private moment with Clarke.

“But-”

“Now, Raven.”

Raven sighs and relents, walking up to Anya’s bedroom.

Clarke moves on the couch until her back is pressed up against the side, for as far as she can move. She doesn’t even want to think about how many rules she must have broken by now. Anya scares her and the idea of being alone with her is terrifying.

Anya sits down next to Clarke, who noticeably flinches. Of course, the blonde must see her as a monster, like everyone seems to do who isn’t Lexa or Raven, although her sister doesn’t count because Lexa doesn’t know her dark side. Raven is the only person who accepts her fully, for who she is, darkness and all. Sometimes it hurts that people see her that way, even if she personally worked on being seen that way.

“I’m sorry I just… I… I.” Clarke tries to find her words, but she feels like choking on them.

“Why are you so scared of me, Clarke?”

Clarke doesn’t want to be scared of Anya, but she is. “Because you… you’re…” She wonders what will happen if she tells the truth. “You’re intimidating and you look scary. Your eyes are intense and often darkened. Sometimes your voice is cold and you just saw… you saw.” She gulps hard because Anya saw her kissing with Lexa.

Anya winds her arms around Clarke, already knowing the blonde doesn’t have an issue with being hugged, otherwise she wouldn’t do that so abruptly. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You’re… you’re not?”

“I protect Lexa when I must, so she wouldn’t get hurt. You don’t hurt her, you help her. I have seen it.”

Clarke is taken aback by Anya’s words. It makes her wonder if she truly does help Lexa, because she wants to, since she cares deeply about her.

Anya stands up and holds her hand out to Clarke. “Let’s go.”

Confused, Clarke accepts Anya’s hand and follows her. She freezes when they stop at Lexa’s door. “I… I don’t understand.”

“My sister needs someone right now.”

“Y-yes… she needs you.” Clarke knows Anya always helps Lexa and it’s needed now, since the brunette rushed into her room, panicking.

Anya shakes her head. “Not anymore, not like that.” Right now Lexa needs Clarke more. She opens the door and pushes Clarke inside. It’s something she never thought she’d do, but her sister needs the blonde this time and not her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Now there’s a twist.”

Anya turns around and sees Raven, who is smirking at her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She says, denying what just happened.

Raven knows better, she knows Anya has soft sides. “Sure, you don’t.” She replies, winking.

Anya pulls Raven close to her and kisses her, the only effective way to shut the younger girl up. She grasps her hand and leads her to her bedroom, where she should have been when she told her to go there.

“I didn’t think you’d literally push Clarke into Lexa’s bedroom, but I guess at least you don’t have to be worried about your sister getting knocked up.”

“You have to be silent, Raven. Now is not the time to talk about my sister.”

“Okay, fair enough.” Raven says, letting it slide. “What do you want to talk about then?”

“I want to talk about us.”

“I’m listening.”

“Okay, I hope you’re listening closely because feelings are weird and I don’t want to repeat this.” Anya says, taking a deep breath to get it all out. “I haven’t stopped thinking about since the day I met you. You’re different than others. Even during my darkest times, you see past that. You accept me for who I am and I never had that happening before. If you maybe want us to be exclusive, then I can try.”

Raven smiles, hearing Anya’s words. It is music to her ears and she’s pleased that the young woman hasn’t stopped thinking about her. “I do accept you for who you are, because to me you’re perfect.” She replies earnestly, appreciating Anya exactly the way she is, not wanting to change her one bit. “So exclusive you say. Does that mean you won’t sneak out at night anymore?”

Anya doesn’t plan to stop sneaking out at night, because it’s something she needs to do to clear her mind. “No, this means we’ll be sneaking out at night together from now on.”

“Ah, so we’ll be like a team. I’ll be batman and you’re robin. Yeah, I like that idea.”

“I’m so not robin, if I’m anyone it is Catwoman.”

“Oh, meow.” Raven smirks amusedly. “Yeah, that suits you a lot better. Fuck, you should wear a leather suit and ride a motorcycle that would be so hot.”

“Does this mean you’re saying yes to us being exclusive?”

Raven is glad that Anya is admitting the feelings she is holding for her, which must be hard for her to do, so it means a lot to her. “Yes, it means I’m saying yes.” She wants to be with the young woman. “You’re the fuel to my fire.”

Anya wraps Raven in her arms and kisses her neck. “I hope you’ll burn forever then.”

“Mhm, I like the sound of forever.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa is lying down on her bed, staring up at her ceiling. She panicked when her sister and Raven were suddenly standing there, witnessing how she was kissing Clarke. After a while she hears her door opening and assumes that’s Anya.

“Hey, Lexa…” Clarke whispers softly. She sits down at the edge of Lexa’s bed. “Are you okay?”

Lexa is surprised that it’s not Anya but Clarke who is in her room. She sits up to look at her. “Clarke, I didn’t expect you.”

“Oh right I uh…” Clarke stutters nervously. “I should go.”

“No, wait!” Lexa grasps Clarke’s wrist and pulls her closer. “Don’t leave me.”

Clarke’s heart shatters at the vulnerability in Lexa’s words. “I’ll never leave you.” It’s a promise she wants to keep.

Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke, holding on to her. “Would you mind to stay here for the night? I don’t… I don’t want to be alone.” She doesn’t want to spend another night alone in the dark with her nightmares.

Clarke shakes her head and lifts the covers up, crawling under it next to Lexa. “You feel warm.” She nuzzles the brunette closer to herself.

“Clarke.”

“Yes, Lexa?”

“Can I maybe, if you don’t mind, kiss you again?”

Clarke smiles and leans forwards, connecting their lips. “I don’t think we can be friends anymore.” Her voice is fragile while she whispers.

Lexa feels a new rush of panic. “You don’t want to be my friend anymore?” She doesn’t want to lose Clarke.

“Friends don’t really kiss like that. Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

Lexa blushes deeply, never having had a girlfriend before, because Costia wasn’t her girlfriend. “I would love to.” She kisses Clarke and a part of her feels complete. Maybe she’ll be better someday, because the ache isn’t as big anymore.

Clarke cuddles with Lexa to sleep, happy – wait, this really does make her feel happy – to be holding someone so close. She has missed being able to sleep like this and her girlfriend comforts her a lot.

“Goodnight, Clarke.”

“Goodnight, Lexa.”

“Thank you, Clarke.”

“What are you thanking me for, Lexa?” Clarke asks, unsure if it’s about this moment or something else.

Lexa inhales deeply, finding her ground. “Thank you for handing me a white rose and taking the time to get to know me, for reaching out to me, for doing what nobody else did.” She whispers softly, as a single tear rolls down her cheek.

“I have something to thank you for as well.” Clarke whispers back. Silence envelops them before she manages to speak again. “After I lost my parents, my world shattered and I didn’t want to create art anymore. Instead of creating art, I found art, because I found you. I believe I want to paint again. When I have you, my heart is stronger.”

“I’ll be here every step of the way, Clarke. Sometimes life knocks people down, but we can get up again. Together we can be stronger, invincible even.”

Clarke smiles upon hearing Lexa’s words. “I love you, Lexa.”

“I love you too, Clarke.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a sunshine after it rains. 
> 
> It's a wrap for this story. :)


	10. EPILOGUE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to add this, as a last piece of closure for this story.

Clarke smiles as she walks through the door. “We’re home!” She says excitedly, feeling glad to be home as she hugs Anya.

Anya smiles back at Clarke and hugs her, while opening her arms wider to hug Lexa as well. “How was your first day at school?” She asks curiously, hoping it went okay. It’s been on her mind all day, especially since Lexa isn’t used to go to school, having been homeschooled.

Lexa laces her fingers together with Clarke’s. “I was a bit nervous, but Clarke had lunch with me and there are a few people who were being friendly to us.” She answers with a small smile. It’s a new experience for her, but with her girlfriend by her side it wasn’t so scary.

“It was okay, our teachers don’t seem so bad.” Clarke says, thinking about the teachers they have.

Anya has a feeling that Clarke flunked last year on purpose, so she could do her year over with Lexa in her class, since her sister is a year younger than the blonde. According to Raven, Clarke is thrilled that she’ll be able to graduate together with Lexa, so they can go to college together. Even though she’s quite sure the blonde flunked on purpose, she doesn’t bring it up. If anything, it’s kind of sweet and it helps her sister.

Clarke is happy to have Lexa in her class. She doesn’t care that she’s eighteen, in a class with seventeen year olds. It’s barely noticeable. Her teachers had been slightly disappointed when she flunked last year, but they’ve let her off the hook. She tried her best to flunk, which doesn’t sound so great, but it was for a good cause.

Raven walks in with Aden on her hip. Ever since she and Clarke were allowed to stay here for a month, which is now about a year ago, they never left. “Look who woke up. It’s like he can sense you two just got home. I swear this kid’s got a radar or something.”

Lexa holds her hands out for Aden. “Hey, little guy!” She says with a bright smile. “You’re so cute.” She coos happily.

Anya watches the way Lexa interacts with Aden. He’s a two year old foster child and she is his foster parent. About five months ago she took him in, wanting to offer at least one foster kid a good and warm home, where love is all around. In the future she plans to take in even more foster children. Before she met Raven, she only really used to love Lexa. Now she also loves Raven, Clarke and Aden. They’re her family and she’ll always protect them, it gives her a purpose.

Raven glances at the clock. “Ah, you’ll have to hurry to eat something.” She says to Clarke and Lexa, knowing they have to leave again soon.

Clarke looks at the clock. “Lex, we should eat something, Rae is right.” She can see they only have half an hour left. For the last eleven months or so, they have been going to a therapy group together. It’s a place where people can talk about people they lost and how it affected them. It takes time, but they have been slowly healing and she’s so proud of Lexa for going to school with her.

Anya pries Aden out of Lexa’s arms so he can eat something. Sometimes at night she still sneaks out, but Raven always goes with her. Her days of getting in trouble with shady figures are behind her. When she goes outside, it’s to have a small adventure with her girlfriend. Last night they went skinny dipping and it was freezing cold.

Lexa chuckles as her eyes land on Raven’s neck. “Seriously Anya, you’re not a vampire.” She says amusedly, noticing the teeth marks on Raven’s neck.

Raven laughs as Anya blushes. Sometimes they get a bit rough, which is a release for both of them and neither of them minds. The young woman is the one who stole her heart and she knows that someday she’ll propose to her and dammit, she better say yes.

Clarke hugs Raven, because they hug each other every day and she hadn’t hugged her yet.

“About time.” Raven teases. She glances at Lexa.

Lexa relents and hugs Raven as well. “Our family is so cuddly.” She’s used to hugging the people in this house and she doesn’t flinch around them anymore, but they still do warn her when they approach her out of the blue. If she can see them approaching it’s not an issue, but if she doesn’t, then they have to warn her. She’s working on it and it’s getting better every day.

Clarke caresses Aden’s cheek. She adores him because he’s so cute. Hopefully he can feel the warmth of having four people who take care of him. Last weekend they decorated his room by painting their hands and pushing them up against the wall. If her parents could see her now, they would be smiling.

Lexa smiles against Clarke’s lips as her girlfriend yelps lightly in surprise when she spins her around and crashes their lips together. She knows Clarke loves surprise kisses.

Raven crosses her arms. “An, I think it’s time that we teach them about sexua-”

Lexa quickly cuts Raven off. “No thanks, we got it! It’s uh… all good.” She hurries to say while blushing.

Clarke pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and sends a subtle wink in Lexa’s direction. It has been a soft experience where they were exploring each other a lot. Her girlfriend is incredibly gentle with her.

Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke. Her girlfriend is amazing and soft. Clarke had carefully kissed every inch of her body, while always checking if she was okay.

They all sit down around the kitchen table to eat, while talking like a real family and for them this will always be their home. Not the house, but the people at this table.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've been listening to a lot of emotional music, so this is the result.  
> 


End file.
